


Weather the Storm

by ThePamelaOracle



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cabin Fic, Drunk Driving, M/M, Polyamorous Castiel (it's more casual than that), Recovering Alcoholic Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-29
Updated: 2019-10-29
Packaged: 2021-01-06 03:55:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21220157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePamelaOracle/pseuds/ThePamelaOracle
Summary: It’s been two years since Cas left Kansas.Two years since a drunken one night stand with Dean ruined their friendship. But now Cas has been offered a job in Lawrence, and he’s decided to find his way to the place he used to call home. Sam offers up the rarely used Winchester cabin as a place to stay. Unfortunately, Sam didn't tell Dean.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's an odd sort of stage fright releasing this out into the world. But here it is, my first long(ish) fic. 
> 
> Many many many people to thank for finally getting this on the page.
> 
> It's my first challenge with art and the lovely and talented [Kaeru](https://c-kaeru.tumblr.com/) was absolutely wonderful to work with and I love her art so much. (The art post can be found here: https://c-kaeru.tumblr.com/post/188679995861/tadaaa-heres-my-art-for-this-years-dcbb-i-got)
> 
> Writing is hard and it's good to have people there who've been there and who'll support you even when you're being irrational. If I whined at you, thanks for putting up with me. Extra special thanks to my betas [Violet Haze](https://archiveofourown.org/users/VioletHaze/pseuds/VioletHaze)  
and [Blue Morning.](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blue_morning/pseuds/blue_morning) You're the writers I strive to be. Last but certainly not least [Zaphod's Girl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaphodsgirl/pseuds/zaphodsgirl) for the posting help. Virtual hugs and a round of G&Ts for you all. 
> 
> Last but not least, the mods for organizing this DCBB. 
> 
> A note: mind the tags. Cas was in a casual poly relationship with Balt and my favourite porn stars. It's more of a roommates with benefits situation but I couldn't figure out what else to call it, four gay men who live together and occasionally fuck.
> 
> Dean is recovering alcoholic, he's in AA, got a shrink all the things. (Poor thing is so hard on himself.) Hope you enjoy.

** _Then -- August 2015_ **

It’s a cold grey day in Lawrence, unusual for late August. The clouds hang low in the sky, and a cool wind sends shivers through the trees. Dean sits in his beloved black 1967 Chevy Impala down the street from Cas’s apartment. He doesn’t get out of the car, he just sits watching. Sam comes out holding a box and makes his way to Cas’s old SUV — the one Dean rebuilt for him. A very small part of Dean is glad that he could, at the very least, give Cas a safe ride to his new life even if he’s chosen to no longer be a part of it.

Chosen. Dean made the call before Cas did it for him. It’s just like his dad predicted. He fucked up the one good thing in his life, like he’s always done with the good things. Dean knows that Cas deserves better and that’s what he’d get from him. Cas is leaving Kansas, his big brain earned him a new fancy fellowship at Saint Paul’s University in Ottawa, Ontario, Canada — health care, winter, and a new brand of people he can build a good life with. All Dean’s got to offer him is his favourite bar stool at the Roadhouse and a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels. Fuck, in his place, Dean would be leaving him too and never give the rear-view mirror a second glance.

Soon Cas joins Sam, also holding a box. They seem to be discussing the best way to get it all to fit. Cas decides to put his on the back seat. Dean is sure he could pack it better, actual 3D Tetris he has always been good at, but it’s best he stay away from Cas. For now, forever. So he just sits in his car, absent-mindedly tapping out the beat to Ramble On on the steering wheel. Trying not to obsess over what the rest of his life will look like without the only person who ever really understood him.

It’s not that Dean doesn’t know he’s in love with Cas. Deep down he knows the truth. Really he does. Not that Mr. Dean Winchester, son of the dead but ever-present John Winchester, would ever use those words. He wouldn’t call it anything -- just life is a lot better when Cas is around -- stolen glances, lingering touches, longing from afar. And yeah, for sure, he could spend weeks lost in his blue eyes. But Dean crossed lines, took advantage of his friendship with Cas. So he did what his dad taught him, he’s avoiding the situation and drinking himself into a stupor every damn night. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. He’s added a dose of isolating himself from his friends, well those who have tried to talk some sense into him. It’s like some sort of Winchester penance for a sin he can’t name but is sure he is guilty of.

He takes a deep breath. _Black_ by Pearl Jam comes on, he debates turning it off. It’s hitting a bit close to home. In the end, getting lost in a long drawn-out Mike McCready solo eases his mind. And if Vedder’s baritone reminds him of Cas, he’s sure as hell not going to admit it, especially not to himself.

“Yeah, this is definitely for the best,” he says out loud to the empty car.

Cas will move away and find someone better, someone who can take care of him the way he deserves. Dean knows that Cas would never be happy with him in the long run, couldn’t be. So he’s watching his best friend pack up his shit and walk out of his life.

Lost in thought, he doesn’t notice the bright yellow VW Beetle until it parks in front of him. Charlie hops out, red hair blowing into her face. He unlocks the passenger-side door. She’s usually sunny, bubbly fun, quick with a laugh. But not today; today she is a storm.

“Dean Winchester, you are an idiot.” She pokes her index into his shoulder. It hurts but he won’t turn to look at her. “Cas would stay if you asked him. So get out there and stop this before it’s too late.”

Dean just keeps staring out the window. Cas and Sam are placing the last of the boxes into the trunk. Charlie sends a text, probably to Sam because he’s looking at his phone, then Charlie’s phone buzzes.

“He is your best friend, Dean. And he is leaving and...”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” Dean’s not in the mood. He’s jonesing for drink, watching Cas leave is making him restless. Normally, he loves having Charlie around, but right now, she’s saying all the things he’s been trying to avoid.

“He told me he tried to call you.”

“You don’t know what happened.” It’s such a mess. Fuck, he knows better than to mix his liquors. Tequila, whiskey beer — they were fucking asking for trouble, and trouble with Cas it was. If only he could have kept his libido in his pants.

“Which part? The part where you both had too much tequila and traded hand jobs? Or the part where you couldn’t get out of there fast enough and ghosted him?”

There it is in a nutshell, Dean thinks.

“I said I don’t want to talk about it.” He raises his voice though he knows it’s not going to stop Charlie.

He puts her on ignore, not taking his eyes off Cas and Sam. Good lord, he misses Cas, has missed him every single moment since he stormed out. But he needs to let Cas go. Cas gets to have good things, better places, better people — better than him anyway. He thought it would be easier than this though, especially since Cas keeps looking down the street in his direction. Part of Dean wants to leap out and hug Cas, hold him tight, one last time. He pushes that down deep, he’s good at that.

“But you will sit here barely out of sight and watch him go.”

Dean doesn’t say anything in response. Cas deserves more than a high-school drop out mechanic with oil under his fingernails. More than someone who breaks everything he touches.

“He loves you and you’ve basically torn out his heart. And now you’re pretending you don’t care. You love him too, Dean. Come on, at least go wish him good luck.”

Dean doesn’t say anything. How can he put into words the years of damage inflicted by all the times his father laid into him for being useless, worthless, and barely good enough to breathe the same air as his little brother. And how when things get difficult, Dean believes every single thing John Fucking Winchester ever told him: Dean doesn’t get to be happy, he’s a fuck up, a pussy, a fag and all those terrible words his dad used to try and “straighten him out.” His dad may have been a drunk and an asshole, but it doesn’t mean he wasn’t right about this.

Charlie is still talking. He barely hears her tirade, until she grabs his arm and forces him to look at her.

“This is low, Winchester. Even for you. He’s not some chick you picked up in a bar.” For a moment, he’s afraid she might hit him. “You stupid, stubborn asshole.”

He doesn’t reply, just looks at her blankly. This seems to infuriate her more.

“Fine. If this is how you treat your friends, you can lose my number too.” She gets out of the car and slams the door.

And John’s prophecy is one step closer to coming true — Dean is now a little bit more alone.

_I know someday you’ll have a beautiful life… _

Eddie gets it, but Dean turns it off.

He watches as Cas and Sam exchange hugs. Next up, Cas hugs Charlie, touching her face as he pulls away, he must be wiping away her tears. Cas is good like that. Sam and Charlie get into her car and drive off. Cas looks over his way, seems to give a small wave before getting in his car and driving away too.

Dean’s phone buzzes.

**From Sam: **_Coward_.

Dean doesn’t reply.

A few moments later, his phone buzzes again.

**From Cas:** Goodbye, Dean.

**From Cas:** I’m sorry.

Cas has nothing to apologize for, but Dean doesn’t reply to that text either. A few drops of rain fall on his windshield as he starts his car, the only thing he has left, and drives himself to the nearest liquor store.


	2. Chapter 2

**Now **

The rhythm of the wipers is a weird counterpoint to the end of the NPR Tiny Desk Concert podcast playing in Cas’s car. He’s not sure who the singer is, but his voice is grating, and it’s making him anxious. He blames the music, but it could be the rain that hasn’t stopped since he left three days ago, or this unending journey back to Kansas, or the fact that every song from Ottawa, Ontario to Ottawa, Kansas reminds him of how he left things with Dean. 

It’s almost two years to the day since he left. Back then, he wasn’t sure he wanted to leave. Right now, he’s not sure he wants to come back. Ottawa hadn’t been his first choice — too far, too foreign. But Dean made it clear he didn’t want him, all of a sudden that became the best thing about it. One drunken romp cost Cas his best friend and the man he’d been in love with since his teens. Physical distance seemed like the best idea, their lives in Kansas too intertwined.

It’s not entirely Cas’s fault, he knows that, Dean’s the one who refused to talk to him. Cas has gone back and forth between righteous fury and heartbreak every day since it happened. He really thought he’d have moved on by now, really hates that he hasn’t. 

Ottawa was ok, he knew people who loved the place, he liked it well enough but it never really felt like home. It was certainly much more big city than anywhere he’d ever lived. For the first time, he discovered the joy of anonymity. Finally in a place where he wasn’t Gabriel’s serious cousin, and Dean’s sullen best friend. He had to stand on his own and found that he quite liked it. In the end, going away was a good idea, coming back though, he is still not sure about that. 

The pitter-patter of raindrops on the roof of the new SUV Gabe gave him as a graduation present gets louder and pulls him from his thoughts. It is a tattoo he’ll hear in his sleep for weeks to come. The _swoosh, thud_ of the windshield wipers beating out a base pattern as if it’s a weird rhythm from an infernal metronome warning him to stay away. 

He’s tired and all he really wants is to get off the road, but by his math he’s at least 30 minutes out.

“Almost there,” he tells himself. But the last half hour is crawling by, and it feels like he’s been trapped in this car for weeks.

His mind wanders back to Dean. They met in middle school — the teacher assigned this beautiful boy to sit next to Cas, no doubt because Cas was quiet, studious and Dean was anything but. That first day, when it became clear that Dean didn’t have lunch, Cas shared his — true to the Christian values he’d been taught in Sunday school. They struck up an unusual friendship, Dean’s ease with people a sharp contrast to Cas’s awkwardness. And soon there was rarely a Dean without Cas. 

His mom hated Dean the moment she laid eyes on him. Dean was “from the wrong side of the tracks and nothing but trouble”, not good enough for her baby boy. Yeah, gorgeous, green-eyed, fucking beautiful trouble if the latest photos from Sam’s Facebook page are any indication. Cas really hates that his mean conservative witch of a mother was right.

He tries to slow the windshield wipers, the rain now more of a cloud of wet mist. The splash from the vehicles ahead of him means that visibility is still terrible and he can barely see the road ahead of him, so he turns them back up. He follows the lights of the transport truck ahead of him. He looks down at his speedometer, the traffic has slowed yet again. Cas curses the weather, curses every decision that led him to this moment. He’d try praying if he still believed in all that religious crap. 

Even if Cas has changed his mind about Kansas, there is nothing he can do about it now. He’s stuck in this motorized cage until he gets to his destination, which at this rate might be some point in the next millenia. It was supposed to be an easy eight-hour drive. He got up this morning at 9 am, and it’s now nearly 9 p.m. and he swears the walls of the car are closing in on him. He knows if he pulls over to stretch his legs, he’ll never have the courage to get back on the highway.

Out of boredom, he takes a sip the large Coke he purchased during the last stop. The sweat from the cup drips onto his lap. It’s cold and damp but he just lets it dry. Not like anything has gone to plan since he since he left — the weather, crossing customs, finding a motel room for a night, what’s adding a damp crotch to the list? Cas isn’t a superstitious man, but he is sure all these things are portent to something awful. What if he just skipped Kansas and just kept heading west to California. Sunshine, beaches, and his dear friends and former roommates: Balthazar, Carter, and Ramzey. They’d done the sane thing, escaped winter and made a bee-line to beaches and sunshine. He was going to miss them. 

Baltazar came into his life while he was surfing for a place to rent. Originally from Paris, the art history major had been living in New York City when a two-year teaching contract in Ottawa came up. He was tired of the Big Apple and decided well, Ottawa was kind of the mandarine he needed. Cas loved how his friend was wild, carefree, and was more than happy to drag him all on his adventures. But more than that, Balt made Cas feel beautiful, sexy and wanted, something he desperately needed after Dean’s rejection. 

In Ottawa, the past wasn’t holding him back. There was no Sam whispering “he’ll come around,'' an empty promise as it turned out. No Gabe wanting to set him up on Grindr. Ottawa allowed Cas to just be, and with license to do whatever the hell he wanted that’s exactly what he did. 

Balt found a four-bedroom house near campus they agreed it was perfect but two more roommates would help them both financially. That’s when Ramzey and Carter entered the picture — two exceptionally hot LA boys who’d also chosen Ottawa for school. Four hot gay men, no commitments to speak, it evolved in what Gabe liked to call a little gay hipster sex commune. 

Cas doesn’t like the label but it doesn’t matter what you call it. It is over now. As planned. over the last week, the group went their separate ways. First Carter and Ram found a place in LA, then a few days ago, Balt and Cas closed the house and returned the keys. Cas drove Balt to the airport, he was heading to Stanford. There were no tears, just a long hug and a promise to visit soon.

Soon might come more quickly than Balt thinks. Or not. Maybe Cas will die in this car. There was talk of a possible contract with UCLA. Maybe he’ll call them in the morning. Fuck Kansas. Fuck the weather. Fuck Dean Winchester. A voice in the back of his head reminds him that nearly fucking Dean was what got him in all this trouble in the first place. 

With an audible sigh, he knows the time in car has given him too much time to think. It is entirely possible that he’ll be able to avoid Dean indefinitely. The job in Lawrence is definitely a good one, great for his career, and he does love the idea of spending more time with his friends. It’s has to be the weather making things worse, it’ll all feel better in the morning. And if they aren’t, he can get back on the road tomorrow and keep heading west. 

The only thing he knows no matter what the choice tomorrow is, tonight he needs off this road and out of his car. 

“If you’re going through hell, keep going,” he says out loud. He takes a few more deep breaths. Cas tries to comfort himself thinking of the cute little house waiting for him in a few weeks. Gabe and Sam found it for him on a lovely dead-end street. The previous owner even had a small garden planted. He can handle two weeks wallowing in memories at the Winchester/Singer family cottage until his place is ready. Right? Really. It’s just memories, they can’t hurt him. He wonders if Missouri is still up there. Maybe he could go visit her, seek some advice, she always had a knack for making him feel better. 

Whether he likes it or not, Kansas is home. His people are here, and he’s never really felt like he belonged anywhere else. He’s missed things too, his favourite burger at the Roadhouse, Thursday night games with Charlie, the coffee shop next to Gabe’s office with the amazing cinnamon buns. The only thing keeping him away is one Dean Winchester. Cas tries lie to himself and pretends he’s over Dean. He’s just someone he used to know, right? He doesn’t believe himself.

The GPS in his car chirps that there is only 10 miles to go until the exit. He prays that the transport truck he’s using as a beacon doesn’t leave the highway before then. It’s the only thing showing him where the road is. A notification of a text on his console. A disembodied female voice reads:

**From Sam:** Are you there yet?

Cas tells the car to call him.

“Hello, Sam.”

“Cas, good to hear your voice. Still in the car?”

“Yes! I’d hoped to be there by now, but traffic is slow. Weather keeps getting worse. Are we sure this isn't some biblical prophecy that has been overlooked? Perhaps I should make building an ark one of my first priorities.”

“Don’t about needing an ark, but you can’t be too careful. They say there might be some flooding. Specially out near the cabin.” 

“I’ll take a look in the morning, see if there is any damage.”

“Thanks. The cabin is far enough from Gold’s lake that water damage shouldn't be an issue. Slightly concerned about damage to the trees.”

“I’ll let you know.” 

“But that’s not why I called. Charlie, Gabe and I were thinking of heading off to the cabin this weekend. Inviting the gang, bit of a welcome home thing.” 

“I’d like that. It will be good to see everyone again.” Everyone except Dean..

“Remember the bash when you came home from Stanford after finishing your freshman year? God, Dean was so excited to see you, he must have baked 10 pies.” 

Dead silence filled only by the sounds of rain hitting the roof and the wipers’ swooosh-thump. By unspoken rule, they never speak his name, kind of like a lesser Voldemort. Cas tries not to let the mere sound of his name get to him. But Dean’s absence from his life is a chasm he hasn’t managed to fill, no matter what he tries to tell himself.

“I’ll ask Gabe where he gets his pies, he can bring us a couple.” Sam says, finally breaking the silence. 

“Pie has never really been my thing. But my cousin knows his pastry for sure. I’ll see you in a few days.” 

“Text me when you make it to the cabin.”

“Of course.”

Cas wishes he had more small talk in him. Sam’s voice on the end of the line was soothing. He starts a David Tennant podcast, he’s talking to Michael Sheen. They sound like old friends. It’s endearing. It doesn’t remind him of Dean, much. 

“In 1 mile, take exit 275 towards Weatherston on your right.” Siri rudely interrupts. 

He can see the light of the exit up ahead. Soon he’s off the highway onto a deserted rural road. It’s much darker here, but visibility is better without the spray from the other cars and trucks. He turns down the radio and tries to find the usual landmarks, the broken tree and the old shack signalling the hidden road, but the rain and dark make it difficult. In spite of GPS directions, he still manages to miss his turn. He doubles back twice before finally spotting it.

A sudden gust of wind nearly pushes his SUV into the ditch. He clutches the wheel more tightly. There are deep puddles, and he’s glad for his four-wheel drive. He comes to the wooden bridge over a usually shallow creek. His headlights make the water glisten -- they wouldn’t normally, the water level is obviously exceptionally high. Sam wasn’t kidding about flooding. Water droplets splatter over his car, and he feels the bridge sway under the weight of it. This sort of thing doesn’t usually scare him but he’s glad the bridge is only a few hundred yards long.

Back on land, he exhales deeply, glad he doesn’t have to do that again for a bit. He can see the cabin up ahead. There is welcoming smoke from the chimney and it feels like it’s calling him home. It’s only as he’s pulling up the driveway that he realizes that he’s supposed to be alone here. The cottage should be dark.

He pulls into the driveway. His worst fear is realized when he sees parked there the jet black 1967 Impala. The only thing Dean ever truly loved. He turns off the wipers. Rests his head on the steering wheel. 

“Of fucking course,” he mumbles and tries to hold back the tears.

He considers turning around and finding a motel for the night but the nearest one is a 30-minutes drive on a good day and he really needs to use the washroom. 

He texts Sam. 

**From Cas_:_** _ Dean is here. _

He waits a few moments as three dots appear.

**From Sam__** _: He’s not supposed to be._

Cas snaps a photo of the Impala through the windshield and sends it to Sam. 

**From Sam:** _Don’t go anywhere_. _I’m going to call him._

**From Cas:__** _ It’s fine. I’ll find a hotel. This is your family’s place._

**From Sam: __** _You are family. Don’t go, I just heard a tornado warnings _

_**From Cas: **I can’t deal with this tonight. I’ll find somewhere else to go._

_**From Sam: **Stay where you are. If anyone is leaving it’ll be him. _

**From Cas:__** _ He shouldn’t be driving either. _

**From Sam:__** _ Yes, well, we’ll see about that. Give me a sec. Let me speak to him. _

Cas sits impatiently in the car, he’s only been in Kansas half a day and already Dean is fucking up his life. He considers getting out of the car and peeing on the Impala’s wheels, but it’s windy. (And he has a soft spot for the old girl, gas guzzler that she is.) He really doesn’t want to deal with any Winchester drama. He’s about to turn the car back on and head back to Lebanon for the night, when Dean opens the front door holding his phone in one hand, making a frantic motion for Cas to come in with the other. 

He pauses. What to do, what to do. Going in means he doesn’t end up covered in his own urine. And he really really needs out of the car. He takes a deep breath, grabs his overnight bag and his laptop, dashes out of the car. Maybe it’s better to rip this band-aid off quickly. Dean closes the door behind him and holds up his index finger in a just-a-moment gesture. Cas can’t help but overhear his end of the conversation with Sam. 

“Yeah Sam. Lisa and I broke up.”

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to worry.”

”Like a month ago.”

“Here. Yeah, I should have called. But you haven’t exactly been happy to hear from me…”

“Fuck, Sam I know. I know. I just needed some alone time.”

Sam must be giving him shit. Lisa was Dean’s fiancée. 

“No, I am not drunk.”

Looking at Dean, Cas is pretty sure he’s sober. But Dean always could hold his liquor and the evening is still young. 

“Listen, I’m all for sharing our feelings and braiding each other’s hair or whatever…”

Nice to know some things don’t change. 

“I do know that’s sexist.”

And clearly some things do. 

“Yeah, not quite, she decided to go back to her ex. They have a kid. I can’t fault her wanting that. And well, I’m a mess.” 

Dean’s now pacing back and forth across the small living space. 

“We never should have gotten involved in the first place. You were right...”

Cas can see Dean’s frustration with Sam as the conversation goes on. Clearly he wants this over and done with, but Sam is not letting him off the hook that easily. 

“Yeah yeah, I spoke to Benny. It’s good Sammy, it really is.”

A pang of jealousy hits Cas, as he wonders who this Benny guy is -- new best friend? There is a longer pause, then Dean looks at Cas, Dean seems almost surprised to see him there. 

“No, Bobby didn’t know either. I was working up to that.” 

It occurs to Cas that it’s odd that Sam didn’t know Dean was here. Keeping things from Bobby wasn’t new -- both boys half convinced that one big shock would cause his sudden demise. 

“Yes, I know I need to call you both more often. You have better things to do than to listen to my whining.”

Sam clearly disagrees. Dean continues to wear a path into the floor.

“I know you both worry. I promise to call when I get into town.” 

Ah, yes, the tone of a lie -- Dean has no intention of calling Sam. 

“Yeah, he’s here. Safe and sound. Inside.” 

Dean rakes his eyes over Cas. Cas feels naked and exposed.

Their eyes lock. Cas isn’t sure what he sees in those familiar green eyes. He’s not sure he wants to know. 

“Cas and I are adults. We’ll be ok for a night. I’ll head back to Bobby’s in the morning after the storm passes and you can give me shit about how I fucked up yet another good thing. And everything can go back to the way it was.” 

Dean rolls his eyes, and turns away from Cas. 

“Everything will be fine. Really.” 

Fine is not how Cas would describe this situation nor the one with his bladder. He catches Dean’s eye and motions to Dean that he’s going to the bathroom. Dean nods. 


	3. Chapter 3

Cas washes his hands — he spots an old dent in the wall. They must have been about 14, he and Dean had been fishing when Bobby called them in for dinner and told them to go wash their hands. They were roughhousing when Cas’s elbow went through the thin drywall. It’s not bad for a first patch job. Still, it’s rough, and uneven. Guess Bobby never fixed it, more important things to deal with, no doubt.

Surrounded by the lake on two sides, the cabin was initially a small one-room hut with a fold out bed, and a kitchenette where Bobby would hang out to get some fishing in. When John disappeared, leaving him the boys, an expansion was needed if they were to spend any time up there. Bobby enlisted kids to help with the expansion. Dean had asked if Cas could come along and it was a magic summer rebuilding the place. Cas remembers the boys sharing a tent, while Bobby slept in whatever spot of the cabin was still remotely habitable. They’d stay up late telling ghost stories, and making improbable plans for the future, falling asleep mid-sentence.

He takes his time at the sink, but he can only hide in the bathroom for so long. Taking a deep breath, he opens the door and heads back in the living room. It’s only then that he gets a really good long look at Dean — still impossibly stunning— barefoot, in a well-worn pair of jeans that fit like a glove, a faded Zeppelin shirt. Either time has been kind to Dean or Cas has forgotten how breathtaking he is.

Cas does a quick self-assessment, he’s soaked from the rain, wearing a ratty pair of slightly too big thrift store track pants that ride a bit low on his hips and a threadbare white t-shirt that has a mustard stain on it from trying to eat a Quarter Pounder in the car at lunch. The man who broke his heart is standing there looking like sex on a stick and Cas looks like he’s been dumpster diving.

Neither man speaks. Cas stares at Dean. Dean stares at Cas. Dean bites his lower lip, sizing Cas up. Cas, in spite of himself, lets his eyes wander down to his lips. They’ve done this dance a million times, yet as always, no one takes the next step. The storm picks up, making the window rattle, breaking the spell.

“Cas,” Dean finally says his voice barely a whisper.

Cas’s knees go a bit weak. He wishes he knew what to say, wishes he could he make light of being suddenly cut out of Dean’s life, or quip something snarky about having moved on and life being better without Dean. But he’s got nothing.

“Hello, Dean.”

How is it, Cas wonders, that it can feel like forever since they’ve last spoken yet it still hurts like it was yesterday. Cas swallows hard, takes a deep breath and forces himself to blink. He wishes all he felt was anger, but he still feels something for Dean. He used to call it love -- now he’s not sure, lust perhaps. One thing is for sure, he call feel himself getting sucked back into Dean’s orbit. Part of him wants to move into Dean’s space, pull him close and kiss the breath out of him, the sane part of him wants to pick up his things and run.

“I should go,” Cas settles on. “I’ll find a motel.”

Dean looks a bit taken aback, sad almost. It’s not what Cas expects.

“Don’t. Please. It’s a good 20 miles out to the next town and Sam’ll kill me if anything happens to you out there.”

The howling wind slams the rain against the windows again, punctuating Dean’s point. Cas really doesn’t want to head back out there either, he’s so tired of driving.

“But, you… “

“There’s been tornado warnings on and off all day. I couldn’t live with myself either… please just stay. It’s just one night and you won’t even know I’m here.”

Cas knows how much can change in a night. More thunder and lightning. Cas is tired, so tired — spending the night is probably the right thing to do. There is another dramatic pause.

“Ok. For Sam,” Cas isn’t sure why he feels the need to say that. “I should go back to the car and get the groceries. The rest can wait until morning.”

Dean gives a faint smile.

“That’s good, Cas. Thanks. Do you need help?”

Cas needs a lot of things right now, a stiff drink for one. But he swallows hard and shakes his head no. Then they stare again until Cas can’t bear it. He turns around and heads back to the car. He really should drive away and not come back. But at this moment, it’s easier to deal with Dean than the interstate.

*****

Getting the supplies out the car takes a few trips and Cas is drenched by the time it’s all done. Slamming the door closed behind him, he shivers.

“There’s a towel on the back of the couch for you,” Dean says looking up from behind the fridge door. He’s taken Cas’s bags and moved them into the small galley kitchen off the living room.

“Thank you.”

“Nasty out there,” Dean says. Cas just nods, he’s soaked to the bone and, in spite of it being warm in the cabin he shivers again.

“The weather has been like this since I left Canada. Feels like I’ve been driving in the rain since I crossed back into the US two days ago. Long slow drive.” Cas really doesn’t want to talk about the weather.

“The interstate in the rain is never fun. One of the reasons I prefer the long way round.”

Is that a jab? Cas isn’t sure. Two years of radio silence, and this is what he gets. He’d expected an apology, something, anything other than fuck-me eyes, a towel, and a chat about the fucking weather. Dean looks at him again.

“I’m sorry I’m getting water all over the place.” Cas decides. “I should go change before…”

“It’s fine, Cas. Just water. We can clean it up later.” Dean is trying to look ok but it’s a nervous facade. Cas wonders if this is as difficult for Dean as it is for Cas. Probably not, but then he just stares at Cas again — ironic really, since Dean always used to accuse him of looking too intensely.

Cas takes off his shoes and socks.

“I”m sorry for showing up like this. I didn’t know you were here.”

“Cas, it’s ok.” Dean sounds like he’s trying to convince them both. “Sam explained. I didn’t tell him I’d be here either. Did you eat? I have some left-over pasta.”

“I ate earlier, thank you.”

It’s unlikely that Cas could eat even if he hadn’t had an ill-advised roadside burrito three hours ago. At this precise moment, he fears he may throw up. He hates that Dean reduces him to this. It’s been two years, five weeks, and four days since they last spoke, he should be done with all these feelings.

“Ok. I put your stuff in the big room. I know you like to work overlooking the lake. We changed the windows last summer, put in a bay, the view is amazing.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Got a new queen-sized bed too, memory foam. It’s awesome.” Dean winks as he says it.

“I don’t mind the smaller room. I’m the one intruding.”

Dean picks up one of the bags he’s holding and places it on the island separating the kitchen from the living room.

“We swapped out the bunk beds for a double in there last summer. Not a big deal. I usually end up falling asleep on the couch, anyway. Better for you to be comfy, besides you’ll probably move in there tomorrow anyway. Make yourself at home.”

Home used to be anywhere Dean was.

“Thank you.”

Another long pause, they both seem at a loss for words. One of the things Cas loved about Dean was their ability to just sit and say nothing. But this, this is uncomfortable and ill-fitting. Cas wonders once again if it wouldn’t be better if he just left.

“I’m going to change into something dry. Then I’ll put my food and things away.”

Dean’s eyes wander down Cas’s body, stopping at his waist. Cas knows he looks like a drowned rat, feels like one too. He absent-midedly pulls down his t-shirt to cover himself. Cas grabs the towel and his wet shoes and makes his way to his room.

True to his word, Dean has placed the briefcase with his laptop on the desk by the window and his overnight bag at the foot of the bed. He picks it up and opens it, looks over his options for dry clothing: jeans, henleys, sweaters, t-shirt, sleep pants. But he’s not sure what the dress code is for confronting the past. He settles on sleep pants and his favourite University of St. Paul hoodie. If this is going to be terrible, he may as well be comfortable.

His phone pings.

**From Sam:** I spoke to Dean. Tell me you aren’t back out on the road.

**From Cas:** No, I decided to stay. Dean says he’ll go in the morning.

**From Sam:** My fault, I didn’t tell him you were coming.

**From Sam:** I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen. He hasn’t been back up there in a long time. Not since the accident.

**From Cas:** I think you mentioned.

**From Sam:** Dean was pretty embarrassed about the whole thing. Really his story to tell. No one was badly hurt, Dean bumped his head. Lots of damage to the car, the tree survived.

**From Sam:** I didn’t know how much you wanted to know.

There is a long pause. The three dots appear, then disappear. It takes a moment and then they are back.

**From Sam: **I only warned you about the engagement because you were coming back.

**From Cas:** It was good to be prepared. Thank you.

Which is not to say it had been easy news to receive. Balt insisted on finding Lisa on social media, said he absolutely wanted to see what she looked like. Cas told him he didn’t want to know. But Balt couldn’t resist, then Cas couldn’t help but look himself. It somehow made it real. There was Dean down on one knee, with a ring in his hand in front of this beautiful, dark-haired, perfect woman. They looked like the epitome of the American dream, like the quarterback marrying the cheerleader. Everything Cas could never be, Dean’s spouse, mother to his children, confidant and friend. On some level he felt he should have been glad that Dean had someone to share his life with, but honestly, most of the time he just hoped lightning would take them both out.

**From Cas: **Shame they broke up.

He hits send before he realizes what he’s done, it’s not true in the slightest.

**From Sam:** Yeah, probably a good thing though. He look ok to you?

It’s an odd question.

**From Cas**: Not sure what you mean. He’s got a fire going, watching a film. Usual Dean. I think.

The three dots hang for longer than Cas would like.

**From Sam**: Sober?

And that’s the weird thing he’s been trying to put his finger on. JD was Dean’s usual coping mechanism for all things emotional and difficult.

**From Cas:** Oddly yes. Not his usual post-break up MO.

**From Sam:** It’s a bit court appointed, get him to explain.I have to go.You 2 going to be ok?

**From Cas:** It’ll be fine. We are both adults.

**From Sam:** Well, one of you is. Verdict is out on Dean. I’m sorry again.

**From Cas:** (smiley face emoji) It’ll be ok, Sam.

Cas always marvels at how much easier it is to lie via text. They exchange a few more pleasantries before signing off. He’s missed Sam. If he’s honest, he’s missed Dean too, but there are too many other emotions tied to it as well, it’s a volatile mix and not one he’s sure he can control — seems tonight will be a test of that.

He takes a deep breath, makes sure his hoodie is clean this time, and makes his way to the small kitchen to find Dean putting away his groceries.

“You didn’t have to do that.” Cas says. Dean shrugs and puts the last of his food away.

“Thought I’d help. Sounds like a hell of a long drive to get here. But wow, there’s enough here to feed an army.”

In looking it over, Cas realizes that, after two years of communal living he has, in fact, purchased too much food.

“I was planning on being here for two weeks but I may have over-purchased. I shared a house with three roommates, we took turns buying food. Shopping for four has become a bit of a habit.”

“Beer?” Dean pulls a bottle out of the fridge door where he’s placed six of the bottles of Beyond the Pale’s Pink Fuzz. “Looks like you got the expensive crap.”

“Microbrew from up north. I like it, grapefruit wheat. But it’s probably best if I avoid alcohol this evening.”

Dean looks wounded for a split second before his expression turns. He gives a cold chuckle and looks like he’s fixing to have a fight.. “Guess Sammy filled you in on my situation. Figures.”

“Sam and I have better things to talk about than whatever your ‘situation’ is.” He uses air-quotes and feels a bit silly about it. “I meant that it’s been a long drive. Not that I’ll get drunk and throw myself at you again, if that’s the situation in question. I’m going to make myself a cup of tea and turn in for the night.” The silence between them is suddenly louder than the rain hitting the windows of the cabin.

Dean looks like he’s about to say something, but doesn’t. Their eyes meet again, Cas sees anger has given way to confusion. He sees Dean take a deep breath to get rid of the tension in his body.

“Not what I meant... My plan is to leave first thing in the morning.” Any warmth in his voice is gone, this is cold business Dean. “Get out of your hair. And we can pretend this never happened.”

_Just like our friendship, _Cas thinks.

“I apologize if this mix-up has forced you to cut your vacation short.”

Dean huffs out a breath. “Not really a vacation, more that I needed a place to stay where I wasn’t in everyone’s hair. I’d been crashing at the garage, but it’s not ideal.”

The kettle whistles, Dean grabs a tea bag, and Cas’s favourite cup. He fills it before adding some honey and handing it to Cas.

“Surprised you remembered.” Cas grabs the cup and smiles. “Thank you.”

“Shouldn’t be. You’re hard to forget.” Dean gives a sad smile. “That’s probably a topic best left for another time.”

Well, on that they agree. Cas just nods.

“Yes. What about you, no whiskey to get over the hurt?”

“Nah, Lisa and I fizzled out a while ago. I proposed because it seemed the thing to do.” Dean shrugs. “Long story. But I’ve been through worse.”

Cas looks up into those green eyes. They both know what Dean is saying. But as they usually do, neither take the first step to start the conversation.

“Anyway, long story short. I had to give JD up for lent.” Dean shrugs as if that’s enough of an explanation.

In spite of himself, Cas does want to know the whole damn story. But he no longer feels he has the right to pry.

“Help yourself to the tea, there’s lots.”

“Still not into that hippy crap, though.”

Cas can’t help but smile, Dean smiles back. It feels normal for a second. It hits Cas once again just how easy things used to be between them, and just how much he’s missed Dean.

“Heaven forbid…”

Dean holds up a can of ginger ale.

“My favourite poison now. I was just firing up Unforgiven, an old Eastwood flick. There’s room on the couch.”

Dean looks hopeful, as if one quick quip could erase everything and they could pick up where they left off. But it is too much, too soon.

“Thank you. No. There are any number of people I need to check in with. They’ll be worried.”

“Guess you have a boyfriend waiting to hear from you?”

Cas is caught off guard, it’s not a question he expected. What is it to Dean if he’s got a man waiting for him?

Cas shakes his head. “Not in the conventional sense. Some very close friends. It is also a long story. I do need to check in, it’s late they’ll be worried.”

Dean just nods, grabs his ginger ale and heads over to the couch.

“‘Night Cas. Good to see you, man.”

“Good night, Dean.”

It sounds and feels final. Cas swallows the urge to cry.

*****

Leaving Kansas allowed Cas the distance he needed to put things in perspective. He met new people, learned to see things in a different way. The program at Saint Paul’s was unique and the fellowship gave him access to some rare Oblate texts. But more than that, the Queer community seemed to welcome him with open arms, something he rarely found in Kansas.

When Balthazar took him under his wing (and eventually his sheets), Cas felt like this was the change he was craving. They explored Ottawa together, from the Canal to Beavertails. (The only kind of beaver Balt said he would eat.) Eventually Ramzey and Carter moved: in smart beautiful gay men, completely secure in who they were and what they wanted. Somehow, they were a mini-tribe, an arrangement with close friends with benefits. He did love them all, and it was easy and fun.

It felt honest and open, something he’d forgotten was possible after spending so much time repressing all his feelings for Dean. Balt was the wild party animal, Ramzey who could hold his own but acted as the group therapist, and Carter, beautiful Carter who was all about making sure everyone ate well and took care of themselves physically. It was a household filled with love and caring.

Settling onto the bed overlooking the lake, Cas fires up his computer and logs into the group chat. The guys have changed the chat name to **Carry On my Wayward Queen** and changed his nickname to Dorothy. It’s the first real laugh Cas has had since he left.

**Cas: **Hello. I made it. Nice to know I’m not forgotten.

**Ramzey: **With that dick and those lips, I’m unlikely to ever forget. Made it ok?

**Cas: **What a drive. Torrential rains, tornado warnings the whole way here. The customs agent took two hours with the car. And today, zero visibility on the Interstate my eight hour drive took 12. I made it to Kansas, but fear I might end up in Oz before the morning.

**Balt: **Glad you made it in one piece. I wonder if they have wifi in Oz.

**Cas: **Can’t be worse than the download speeds out here. Let’s hope the power stays on.

**Ramzey: **Speaking of Oz, did I ever tell you about my fetish for the Cowardly Lion?

**Carter: **Ram, no. Just no.

**Balt: **Hey, don’t kink shame.

**Ramzey: **I have no shame

**Carter: **And we know it. *roar*

**Ramzey: **How big is your tail, gorgeous? ;-)

**Carter: **Wanna come over and find out

**Cas: **Some things never change. I miss you all already.  
There has been a bit of drama. I found the wizard. I get here to find the beast of a vintage Impala, Mr. Run-off-in-a-gay-panic, Dean fucking Winchester. Guess he and his brother failed to work out a schedule.

**Balt: **Oh Cassie, that is absolutely dreadful. I am surprised they let him leave Narnia, he seemed so happy in that closet. Then again, we all know what happened to that lion. Maybe Dean is to blame. This does not bode well for your fetish, Ramzey.

**Ramzey: **Listen, I only need one lion. And Cas said it was stormy. Oz for the win!

**Carter: **Cas, did you pack your ruby slippers? I hear home is where the cute boys are. We need help christening the new mattress.

Ramzey posts a Wizard of Oz gif of ruby red slippers clicking their heels together.

**Ramzey: **There’s no place like Carter’s new king-sized bed

**Balt: **Cassie, darling. Don’t leave us hanging. Give us details. Is he still wasted on the ladies? Is the Cas-with-a-vagina fiancée there too? “Hello Darling, I’m Cas -- you’ve probably heard Dean moan my name in his dreams.” Oh, the bitch potential is too delicious.

**Ramzey: **Oh, yes! Get that on video!

**Cas: **Gentlemen please!

**Carter: **Gentlemen? Where?

**Cas: **He and the fiancée broke up. He seems ok with it all. I really didn’t want to deal with this. Hopefully, I wake up in Oz without him and I can avoid this situation indefinitely.

**Ramzey: **Sweetie, any guy that turns down your dick is doing himself a disservice. What’s his email, I’ll send him a few of our commemorative videos, so he can see for himself what he’s given up…

**Carter: **Probably a lot for a guy for a man who denies liking cock. So maybe don’t.

**Cas: **Can you send me the videos? I’ll play them when I miss you.

**Ramzey: **On their way, beautiful. Glad I have something to remember you by when I’m older and the pretty boys no longer want to play with me.

**Carter: **Ram, have you seen you? That’s not likely to happen any time soon. But guys, Facetime, it’s almost like being there...

**Ramzey: **Seriously though, putting my counsellor hat on for a sec. Lawrence isn’t a big town and you guys know a lot of the same people, might be good to get some closure. Maybe have a conversation.

**Cas: **I know you’re right. But don’t know that he’ll talk to me, and right now, having a house fall on me sounds like the best possible outcome.

**Balt: **Or celebrate your renewed friendship by showing him your home movies. He will see the error of his ways. Then wham-bang-thank-you… ummm… sir one thing leads to another.

**Cas: **That’s what got me into this mess in the first place

**Balt: **But now you have us. 

**Cas: **And that's a good thing. 

The banter continues and Cas ends up missing his friends more and convinced that KU was the wrong decision.

He logs off sending everyone his love.

His phone rings, it’s Balthazar.

“Castiel, seems you left civilization and are the wilderness. Are you ok? You have to give me all the juicy details. Why is Dean there?”

“God, I miss you, maybe I’ll email UCLA in the morning.”

“Cassie darling, I love you. But this kind of tenured position doesn’t come around often. At least try it. There are bound to be new people. And that house is divine with that cute garden. You’ll make friends, you did it with us.”

“But I do love the rest of the gang and I already have you.”

“Yes, but you’re still in love with Dean, that’s the problem.”

Cas doesn’t bother to deny, instead retells him the events of the night, confessing that Dean Winchester still takes his breath away.

“So Mr. Incredible and Elastigirl broke up… well, maybe he is ready to face some long hard truths, pun intended.”

“I don’t think that’s likely to happen. Maybe he is bi, but he’s just not into me. I just wish I’d been more prepared. I was hoping for more of a fuck-you moment. Liked dressed to kill with some hot guy on my arm. I mean I was in a soaking wet t-shirt with a mustard stain on it. And he just couldn’t stop staring at me in disgust.”

“With those low-riding track pants, you love so much?”

“Yes.”

“Love, are you sure that was repulsion? You in a soaking wet t-shirt would turn most men gay. Ramzey isn’t wrong, you are beautiful. Why do you think we always ended up in your bed?”

“The extra-firm mattress? Dean doesn’t want me, it’s that simple. I just thought I was over him.”

“You were friends for a long time, things ended badly. You never got closure. Blah blah blah this relationship crap is Ramzey’s thing. But darling, this is but a blip. If he can’t see how amazing you are, I know some men who now live in California who always have room for you in their beds. Just as I’m sure there are a few at KU, they just won’t be as good-looking. ”

Cas laughs.

“Thanks Balt. You may yet find me on your doorstep.”

“I’ll keep the porch light on, my friend.”


	4. Chapter 4

Cas awakens to the smell of bacon and the sound of rain still coming down. He opens his eyes, but stays in bed for a moment as the events of last night come back to him. Looking out over the lake, he sees droplets clinging to the window. He was so tired he forgot to close the blinds last night. He reaches for his phone. It’s 9 a.m. He never sleeps in this late.

He hears the sounds of dishes from the kitchen. Dean’s still here, fucker said he’d be gone by now. Cas ponders lounging around in his room until Dean leaves. He stretches, still stiff from last night’s drive. Yeah, nature is calling and coffee is going to be a requirement. Mornings aren’t his favourite time of day, this one is looking to be harsher than most. He rips the blankets off himself, and after a bathroom break, pads into the common area.

Dean is wearing faded sleep pants. Looks like they might have polar bears on them --— they do great things to his ass. Cas blames his sleep brain for staring but, of course, Dean turns around catches him staring, smiles and cocks an eyebrow. Awesome. So much for the pretense of not being attracted to him.

“Morning sunshine, you’re up. Coffee?”

Cas would punch Dean in his stupid perfect mouth if he were more awake, instead he mutters something akin to yes please. It is too early to be this chipper.

Dean pours him a cup, fixes it with a touch of milk and a dollop of honey and leaves it on the counter for Cas to take. It’s the best cup of coffee he’s had in a long time. Damn him.

“I have some bad news,” Dean looks down at his feet. “Jody called me earlier this morning.” Jody Mills is the local sheriff and a close friend of the Winchesters. “The bridge is washed out. I was hoping to be out your hair by now but I’m kind of stuck here.”

Cas blinks a few times, nods and takes another sip of his coffee. He feels anger bubbling just under the surface. “This is not Dean’s fault,” he mumbles to himself, calming himself with a deep breath before he finally speaks. “How long?”

“A week if it stops raining, maybe a bit longer. Depending on when they can get the replacement here.”

Cas lets out a deep sigh. What has he done to deserve this?

“One week. Guess, that means I can’t leave either.”

At least, he’ll have some time to write those lessons plans.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I know you ….”

Cas holds up his hand. He doesn’t want to have this conversation. Not now, preferably not ever. He grabs his coffee.

“Dean, it is not your fault. Thank you for the coffee. I’m going to stretch and meditate.”

He turns his back to Dean, and finds his way to the porch, the screens have been replaced by windows. In the daylight, Cas can see that the water level of the lake is much higher than it should be. The ominous grey sky seems to go on forever, blending into the pebbled surface of the water as rain fall into it. Even weighed down by all that hasn’t been said between Cas and Dean, the place is still really, really beautiful.

He begins his morning practice. Making a gratitude list in his mind to calm himself: he’s grateful for coffee, a roof over his head, and the fact that he’s not on the interstate. He can also come up with a list of about 20 things he’s upset about. Maybe a list of what is pissing him off the most right now. “Dean, Dean, Dean.”

He looks around the room. He’s surprised to see his old yoga mat is still there, until he remembers that Sam mentioned getting into it as well. It takes a moment but he moves the furniture around enough to lay it out. There isn’t a lot of room on the porch, but it’ll do for simple poses to ground him. He starts with a few sun salutations, taking extra time in downward dog enjoying the stretch in his hamstrings, followed by a few flow routines, all the warriors, tree, to end in Savasana, corpse pose. But the floor is damp and uncomfortable, so he grabs a pillow from one of the chairs, gently moves into half lotus and tries to still his mind.

_Inhale_.

_Exhale._

_Inhale_

_Image of Dean as he rushed out the door two years ago. _

_Place it in a balloon and let it go._

_It doesn’t float. Dean fucking Winchester._

_Let to go of the anger._

_The balloon bursts._

_Exhale._

_Inhale._

_The feeling of Dean’s lips._

_Heart shaped. _

_Tacky._

_Exhale._

_Inhale._

_The look on Dean’s face last night_

_…_

_Dean’s face…_

_Dean_

_Exhale._

Clearly his usual meditation technique is not going to work. Cas then tries looking for the space between the wagons of the train but they are filled with images of Dean. Focussing on the rhythm of the rain hitting the window, but it sounds like an old Zeppelin tune. He gives up, frustrated and angrier than he was before. He really should have eaten first. When he finds his way back to the kitchen area, he sees that his coffee has been refreshed, and a green apple with peanut butter is on the plate — his usual breakfast. It’s a small gesture. And he feels his rage ebbing as he cuts the apple into quarters and spreads peanut butter on them. He’s so lost in thought that it’s some time before he sees Dean’s note.

_Hi Cas, Jody asked me to check in on Mildred. There is a three-cheese and spinach omelet and some bacon waiting for you in the oven once you’re done with the hippy stuff. Hope it’s still your favourite. Enjoy. D. _

It’s an olive branch and given that they’re likely going to have to spend some time together, a very considerate gesture. Cas still isn’t sure what he wants to do about Dean, but he has to admit it does smell heavenly. He throws the apple core out and he pulls out the plate. He bites into the omelet, it’s decadent -- part of him hoped it would be awful.

\--------

Dean returns mid-afternoon with a pie. In typical Mildred fashion, she’d fed Dean and sent him home with a treat. Dean sets the dessert down on the counter. Cas is sitting on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, reading.

“She asked about you. Wanted to know if I’d finally married that lovely boy with the beautiful blue eyes.” Dean says.

“Progressive of her. Did she mean me?”

“Only lovely blue-eyed boy I know.” Dean says with his most charming smile. Cas scowls, it feels like Dean’s flirting.

“What did you say to her?” It comes out harsher than he’d meant. Dean just ignores it.

“Told her I wasn’t the marrying kind. She just shook her head, told me to put a ring on it. She invited us both for dinner at some point this week. Something about talking sense into us.”

“I have no interest in going if that’s what she has in mind. I”ll stop by and say hello at some point.”

Dean shrugs but nods in agreement.

“How is she doing?”

They’d taken care of Mildred since they first started coming up here, doing all the household stuff she couldn’t do herself. Bobby wouldn’t let them take money for it, so she started sending them home with pie, and various baked goods. She is in her late 70s now and apparently still has a soft spot for Cas and Dean.

“She’s good, told me she basically told her son to drop her off and leave her alone. Says the Winchesters always treated her better than Dick ever does. Said she missed me, us. Whatever. Glad to see we are back. I tried to explain that there was no ‘we’ to speak of but… ” Dean doesn’t finish the sentence, there is no need.

“Didn’t she ask where Lisa was? You’d think I’d be old news.”

“Nah, after the accident I really didn’t come up here much. Lisa wasn’t into roughing it. We decided on a road trips instead saw a bit of the country. She bitched the whole time about that too, said she’d prefer an ‘all inclusive’ beach with drink with frou-frou umbrellas.”

Dean exaggerates a shudder.

“Don’t knock until you’ve tried it.”

“Sam told me to ask you about the accident?”

Dean bristles and crosses his arms defensively over his chest.

“I drove Baby into a tree, just this side of the bridge. I haven’t been back much since then. It was totally my fault, some things were just really hard after you left.”

Cas puts down his book. There is no way he is getting blamed for what happened to Dean. It could have been fine had Dean just agreed to have a conversation. They could be celebrating his return as friends, maybe as lovers, instead it’s tense and difficult. Now, who the hell knows what the fuck they are. Cas feels his own anger bubbling under the surface.

“As I recall, I tried to reach out to you, Dean. You’re the one who shut me out. This is not on me.” His tone is a bit too short to be matter of fact.

“Nah, it’s on me. I fucked so many things up. And there are many things I can’t make amends for. Us being one of them.”

Sounds like Dean has given this some thought. Maybe there is an opening here for them to both get closure on what happened between them. But before he can reply, Dean grabs his tablet and moves to the porch leaving Cas alone once again.

****’

They spend the rest of the afternoon ignoring each other. The space is small, however, and with the rain continuing to come down in sheets, there are not many places for Cas to hide. It’s going to be a long week if they can’t find a civil middle ground.

He supposes he has to be civil, who knows how long he’ll be here with Dean. Maybe now is the time to resolve this, just get it over and done with. Then maybe they can both move on. Ramzey is right, they do know a lot of the same people.

Cas decides to skip the stir fry he had planned and instead whips up a batch of chili, the fact that it was Dean’s favourite doesn’t escape him. He gathers all the ingredients, ground meat, tomatoes, onions, garlic, and pulls the beans and spices off the shelves.

Lost in meal prep, he doesn’t notice Dean approach.

“God, I love your chili,” Dean says from the other side of the island.

“I remember some things too. It’ll make leftovers we can freeze since we aren’t sure how long we’ll be stuck here.”

“Good plan.” Cas hears Dean take a deep inhale. “Listen, I’m sorry about earlier. Seeing you again, all this, it’s just harder than I thought.” Dean runs his hand across the back of his neck. “Can we just be friends again, please?”

Cas levels Dean with a glare. A truce is one thing, but friendship, after all this. Not yet, maybe not ever, especially since exactly nothing has been said and there is still so much he doesn't understand. He wants to yell and scream, instead he reaches deep within and gathers all the calm he can muster.

“You want to pretend the last two years didn’t happen.”

“Kind of hoping that maybe…” Dean looks up at him hopefully. “We could start again.”

Cas cannot believe Dean just wants to forget their history, wants to play ‘everything is fine’. As if they can wipe the slate clean and Cas could pretend he hadn’t been in love with Dean since high school. And all the hours upon hours he’d spent with Dean, baring his soul telling him everything except maybe how he felt. It’s not that easy. He grabs the head of garlic and slams it against the counter so hard that Dean jumps.

“But they did. And I still don’t understand how we got here.” Cas grabs one of the loose cloves from the counter, smashes it with the side of the knife blade. “You were my best friend. I told you everything. I stood up for you, fought for you when John was being an ass. And I haven’t gotten so much as a word from you in two years. Two years, Dean. And you want me to just say, ‘no problem, I forgive you’ and move on.”

He grabs another clove and smashes it with his knife blade. Peels it and adds it to the pile. Every few seconds another smash.

“What are we, Dean? What do I mean to you? Was I just your big gay experiment?”

Smash, there goes another clove. But Cas isn’t done.

“You’re going to have to explain this to me, because I don't understand.”

Smash. There is going to be a lot of garlic in this chili. Smash. Smash. Smash.

Dean seems to be choosing his words.

“I need more time, Cas.”

“You’ve had two fucking years, and you want more time! Time for what, Dean? You know, for months, I blamed myself for what happened. But I’ve come to realize that this is not entirely my fault. That night, yes. The ghosting, that was all you. I tried to apologize, tried to explain, you wouldn’t let me. So yeah, whatever Dean, by all means, when you’re ready. I thought I meant something to you, and for some stupid reason, I loved you. But apparently, I am no more to you than any other piece of ass you picked up in a bar.”

Cas knows that’s not true, not really. He’d hoped to keep those kinds of recriminations to himself, keep the anger to a minimum. Certainly wasn’t planning on throwing up all these pent-up feelings and giving Dean the satisfaction of knowing he’d hurt him, but now the words seem to hang between them. He almost wishes he could take them back. Almost. He steels himself for the barrage of harsh defensive words that he is sure are coming is way. But they don’t come. Instead, when he looks up at Dean, he sees a man hurting, small and curled in on himself, looking down at the counter.

“You know you mean a lot to me, Cas. It’s just Dad was right, I fuck up everything, all the good things. It’s better this way. I’m sorry.”

How the hell is Cas supposed to reply to that.

Cas should say something, but he can’t right now. He is too angry. He was supposed to be over Dean. That’s what Balt, Ramzey and Carter were about. But now that Dean is here in front of him, his heart aches every time Dean walks by. And good lord, he wishes it didn’t.

“You can’t just ‘sorry’ this away.”

“Cas, I…”

Rather than take the bait, Dean leaves the kitchen and goes back to his room. Cas finishes putting the chili together and leaves it to simmer. He grabs his rain gear and makes his way towards the water hoping the walk outside will clear his head. The cabin is clearly too small for both of them, if there wasn’t so much crap in his car, he’d sleep there.


	5. Chapter 5

It’s misty outside, but it’s not pouring. The winds have died down as well. Cas makes his way down to the dock, he’s spent a lot of time fishing, swimming, watching the sun set from here. When he thinks of the cabin, this dock is what he thinks about. Dean taking a running start before cannonballing into the lake. Hell, he’d even had his first beer here, the few they’d stolen from Bobby’s stash. It was here that Cas first told Dean he was gay. To his credit, Dean just took the news in stride and said he didn’t care, he just wanted Cas to be happy. 

Happy is really not what Cas is feeling right now. 

He finds his way back to the main road. Wandering along the way, he sees the newer cabins, most have been converted to rental properties, the peak season is over and most are empty. He sees a few downed trees, but no serious damage thankfully. Without really thinking about it, he starts to wander down the road a bit towards the old Moseley home. Missouri had been one of the few people he’d opened up to about his home situation. The long fights with his mom, their strict religious upbringing, how much they hated Dean, blaming him for turning Cas gay. Missouri promised him things would get better, and they had. Really, things arebetter now, this is just one blip on the radar. Soon this will be behind him and he can get on with his life. Lost in thought, he doesn’t realize he’s in front of the old home until he’s standing at the foot of her driveway. 

“Castiel! Aren’t you just a sight for sore eyes!”

She stands in the open doorway. Looking exactly like her remembered her, she’s wiping her hands on a dishcloth, a warm smile on her face.

“Hello, Missouri.” Sometimes it takes seeing a person again to realize how much you’ve missed them. He should have done a better job keeping in touch with her.

“Are you just going to stand there? Come in, come in. I’ll just make us a pot of tea. Mint, still your favourite? It’s too wet for anything cold.”

As he makes his way into her house, takes off his wet jackets and shoes. She may be a bit greyer in the temples, she has the same twinkle in her eye. She pulls him into one of her impossibly good hugs. 

“How long as it been? No call. No email.” She says with a bit of teasing in her voice as she gently swats his arm. 

Cas looks down at his feet, he’s not sure how to explain the last two years or how things have gone sort of sideways with him and Dean. As she pulls away from him, he feels the tears welling up in his eyes. He swallows hard to stop himself from bursting into tears. 

“I went away to school for a few years.” 

She pulls him to her again. 

“I know all about that, sweetie. Bobby told me. And now you’re back and you’re not sure how to deal with the troubles you’ve been avoiding,” she whispers into his ear. 

“Dean won’t…”

“Ssssshhhhh, we’ll get to you two soon enough…” She pulls away, hands on each of Cas’s shoulders. “Castiel, let’s have a look at you. Looks like the North has been kind to you. I made you cookies.” 

Bobby always claimed Missouri was full of woo woo magic and could see things no one else could. Cas really didn’t believe in that stuff, but Missouri still has a way of answering questions you didn’t know you’d asked. He never thought to question her about how she knew now he’s not so sure. He just trusts that she does. She brings out a some cups and puts out some cookies. 

Her home is cosy and warm, it smells like her molasses cookies and something else he can’t quite place. They catch up and the longer he stays the less he wants to leave. He wishes things had been more like this with his mom. 

She smiles kindly. 

“Now the hard stuff, you and Dean.”

Cas squirms. What does he say? How does he explain what happened without it sounding like a cascade of bad drunken decisions snowballed into losing Dean? He’s spent all this time trying to move on and make a new life but he just can’t seem to do it. And right now, at this moment, he really hates himself for it.

“There is no me and Dean, not anymore.” 

Missouri puts her hand over his and waits until he looks her in the eye before responding. She shakes her head. 

“You boys are a dangerous mix of stubborn and silly. There will always be a Castiel and Dean. There is a bond between you. Even now, even after you walked away and he let you. It’s stronger than you both, and it will always find a way to bring you back together if you try to stray too far.”

He doesn’t want to believe her. But she’s not wrong. He wants to run away and leave it all behind, but having Dean around rekindled something. He’s just not sure how to describe it. He looks down at his hands wrapped around the cup. She continues.

“You know Dean loves you and he misses you so much. He’s just struggling to express it. Not that it excuses what he’s done in the past. He doesn’t think he deserves you. John Winchester left that poor boy with a legacy of sacrifice and self-loathing. And Dean, well, he still believes a lot of that and deep down he just wants to protect you.”

“Missouri, he doesn’t love me. Not the way I loved him.”

“Love him. Present tense,” she says with a wink. “Do you know how he feels? Have you asked him?”

There it is, the crux of the matter. They haven’t spoken. Cas sees that he needs to tell Dean how he feels. But to what end? Dean doesn’t love him, not like that. Cas just needs to accept this and move on, just like Dean did. End of story. 

“Dean moved on. He was engaged.”

“Oh, that girl was a diversion. We all know it. Just like your friends, Castiel. You both hate to talk about this sort of thing. It’s what lead you to this point. But at some point, you will have to come clean about your feelings.” She places a hand over his. “You can try to deny it to yourself. But only for so long.”

His mind flashes to sandy beaches and the warm sun. She gives his arm a gentle smack.”And you know California would only be another diversion.” 

“I don’t know that I can just forgive.”

“Forgiveness is an interesting concept, you know. It’s not pretending the past didn’t happen. It’s acknowledging the pain and the hurt while refusing to let it hold you back from moving on and creating something new.” 

Things that Cas might be able to do if Dean would have an actual real conversation. Cas wonders why he needs to be the bigger man, isn’t he the one who is owed an apology. 

“Because you love him.” Missouri says out of nowhere. “You know him, Castiel. That boy will talk to you, but you’re going to have to start the conversation. Eat together, I find that boy always does better when he’s had a decent meal.” 

As they say their goodbyes, she mentions something about needing help with a fallen tree tomorrow. 

“Of course, Missouri. Just call.” 

“I’ll call Dean but you’ll need to come along, it’ll be a two-person job.” 

The misting rain turns to pouring as Cas walks back to the cabin — he doesn’t try to cover himself, just lets himself get wet. He feels the water run down his neck into the jacket. He replays that night two years ago and wonders how it could have been different. 

The night was a celebration of the next phases of their lives. Cas had been accepted into school, Dean was taking on Bobby’s shop. A lot of beer, far too much tequila, and somehow they ended up together in the back of an Uber heading back to his place. He’s not sure how it happened or why, but Dean’s mouth was right there, so Cas kissed him. He’d pulled back quickly in shock, worried about what he’d just done, when Dean leaned forward and kissed him back. Really kissed him — on the lips, with tongue. Cas was surprised, wondered if they were both too drunk to be doing this. 

“Are you sure?” Cas had asked. Dean just smiled and kissed him again. 

The next half hour was dreamlike: them stumbling to get his apartment door open, Dean slamming Cas against the door to run his hands up under his shirt, reaching for Cas’s belt. He should have stopped it and forced Dean to talk to him but he’d wanted this for so damn long. Dean was there in his arms finally. 

“Off,” Dean growled as he removed his hands and got to work on the top buttons of Cas’s shirt. Cas got impatient and pulled the offending shirt off over his head. 

“Fuck, Cas you been holding out on me.” Dean took a moment to appreciate the long lines of Cas’s chest. Then Dean was on him again.

“Dean,” is all Cas could pant out as Cas reached down and peeled Dean out of his henley. They stared at each other for a moment, before Cas grabbed Dean by the belt and pulled him into another searing kiss. Dean moaned and pressed his leg between Cas’s thighs. His knees got a bit weak when he realized he could feel Dean’s erection pressing up against his own

“My room. Now.” Cas said before pushing Dean away, turning him around and chasing him up to the bedroom. 

But the chase was fake, and Cas laughed as Dean allowed himself to get caught. 

“Come on… “ Cas said as he grabbed Dean’s hand and pulls him into the bedroom. He catches a glimpse of uncertainty in Dean’s eyes. Cas had to be sure, so he asked again.

“Dean, look at me. Tell me you want this. We can stop.”

Dean said nothing, just cupped Cas’s cheek as he kissed him more tenderly this time. 

“Want you, Cas. Have for a long time.” 

It’s a bit hazy after than, but Cas worked Dean out of his jeans, mouthing at the erection hidden behind the boxer briefs.. 

“Cas, please… kiss me.” 

Cas made his way up Dean’s body slowly. Cas gasped in surprise when Dean reached into Cas’s pants first. 

“Shall we?” Cas said, giving Dean one more chance to back out. Dean nodded but he looked unsure. 

“I’m… ummmm… feeling a bit self conscious is all.”

“Hey, you’re gorgeous. Besides it’s just me,” Cas had said. “You still ok?” 

Dean nodded, closed the distance between them and kissed Cas again. Standing up was proving difficult, so he backed Dean onto the bed. Straddling Dean’s lap, he reached between them. Dean moaned and that made Cas that much harder. 

“Not gonna last,” is all Dean said. A few strokes and Dean came, Cas followed shortly after. They stayed in the same position, kissing, and holding each other. It felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Let me get something to clean us, then we can turn in for the night.” 

Cas made his way to the bathroom, it took a moment for the water to heat up. He was planning breakfast in the morning, lunch, their whole lives together in that time. But when he returned to the bedroom he found Dean fully dressed and making his way out the door.

“I’m sorry, Cas. I just can’t ... ” 

Cas was rendered speechless. How could he have misread this situation? He was just so sure. Dean couldn’t what? Be bi? Be with him? Assuming the worst, Cas decided he’d pushed Dean too far, too fast and led him headfirst into a big gay panic. Cas washed himself off, got under the covers and wondered what he had gone wrong. 

He sent Dean a few texts apologizing. 

The next morning Cas tried calling Dean. But nothing. Over the next few days, he kept trying. He talked to Sam and to Charlie, he knows they tried too. But Dean did not reply. And Cas, heartbroken and guilty, just gave up. 

Even now, Cas feels that this is was a problem of his own making. Dean was his best friend, and he wasn’t sure how to get on with his life without him. Moving to Ottawa gave him a chance to see what his life was like without Dean. It was fine, good even, but Missouri is right, he misses Dean and without him, something is missing.

\-----

Cas walks into the cabin, it smells like chili and cornbread. He shakes some of the water off him before hanging his gear on the pegs by the door. He checks his phone to find there are texts from Sam and Balt, he replies to them both filling them in on the current situation. He hears Dean before he sees him mindlessly strumming an acoustic guitar on the back porch. The tune sounds familiar but he can’t quite place it. 

“Welcome back,” Dean says, he stops playing to speak to him.

“Please don’t stop on my account. I needed to clear my head. I ended up visiting with Missouri. I’m sorry for earlier. I did not handle that well.” 

“I had it coming.”

Old Cas would have made nice but the apology to Dean is as far as he’s willing to go.

“Did you make cornbread?”

“Yeah, seems like the thing to go with chili.” 

“It was always a great combo.” 

Food and the weather, two safe things they can discuss. Cas figures he might have to make a list. Still he’s thinking about what Missouri said. They do need to have a conversation or it’s going to be a very long week.

“Have dinner with me tonight. Clear the air.” 

“Cas, I...” 

“Dean, you know it’s time. Please. You owe me that much.”

“Ok.” It’s not the enthusiasm Cas was hoping for, but he’ll take it.


	6. Chapter 6

Not bothering with the table near the kitchen, they set up the meal on the coffee table in front of the TV. Dean sits on the couch with a full cushion separating him from Cas. He grabs some cheese to sprinkle on his food at the same time Cas does. They touch briefly before both pulling away like they’ve been burned. 

“Go ahead,” Cas says. Dean does, passing Cas the bowl when he’s done with it. Their hands touch again. No one apologizes, no one pulls away, and Dean isn’t 100 percent sure who touched who first. Maybe it doesn’t matter. 

“I didn’t think this would be so difficult,” Dean finally says. “I don’t know where to start.”

“Tell me my chili is still amazing.” 

Dean laughs. 

“Well, it is amazing. Sam has tried from the same recipe, it’s good but not this.”

“Not surprised, the recipe is more of a guideline. I don’t really measure.” 

“Yeah, yeah, just don’t want to share your top secret chili recipe I get it.”

“Enough stalling. Out with it. Tell me about the accident.” 

They both fall silent. Dean doesn’t want to talk about some of the hardest darkest times. 

“Cas, it’s not pretty. Can’t we...”

“I don’t want pretty, I want to understand. A lot has changed since I left. Please.”

Dean was pretty sure that when he finally saw Cas again, Cas was going to beat the living shit out of him, and Dean was fully prepared to let him. But now that Cas is here and seems to be giving him a second chance, and the one thing Cas wants to know about, is the one thing that will scare him away for good. But there isn’t much Dean wouldn’t do for Cas.

“Yeah, ok. It’s a long sad story, you sure you’re ready?” 

“Well, the bridge is out and it’s raining. Seems I have nothing but time.” Cas smiles, and Dean stomach does a little flip flop. God, he fucked things up with him, more so than with anyone else. And he wishes he could have him, but if there is one thing John Winchester was right about, it’s that Dean doesn’t get to have what he wants.

“Mistakes were made, charges were laid. Rehab ensued. Got 13th stepped, and well that’s it in a nutshell.”

“Dean!” 

“Ok, Ok, let us get us another road before we settle in to the sad and sorry life of Dean Winchester. “

\----

Dean doesn’t fully remember why he started drinking that day. He was off work and pissed off about something, but he was always kind of pissed off. He’d pushed everyone away. Charlie told him to call her when he stopped being a rude asshole, Sam was barely tolerating him. And Bobby, well he was the last one hanging on, probably out of some sort of parental responsibility thing.

At the time, he’d said he was angry that Bobby had taken over in running the garage again. Truth is, Bobby had to or the whole thing was going to go bankrupt. Dean wasn’t managing, he was always late, rarely there. In fact, his uncle was doing him a solid keeping him on as a mechanic — even though he’d been relegated to mostly oil changes and tune-ups. 

But it might have been any of those things, or it might have been that Dean had a problem. Everyone knew that since Cas left Dean was either drunk, getting drunk, passed out, or hungover. Dean saw it as fulfilling his dad’s prophecy that he was never going to amount to anything other than a fuck-up no one loved. He decided that if couldn’t have any of the good stuff at least he could have a good buzz.

Realistically, bumping into a very smug Gabe at the grocery store was probably the catalyst. Gabe told him how happy Cas was, how much Cas loved Ottawa, told him about the boyfriends and that he didn’t think Cas was going to want ever coming back. Even showed him some photos, Cas laughing while the man taking the selfie kissed his cheek. And fuck, that guy was gorgeous. Then the next one, dancing with another smoking-hot guy, and blonde this time. On some level Dean was happy for Cas, new town, new people — this convinced Dean he’d done the right thing by ghosting Cas. What he didn’t expect was for it to feel like he’d been kicked in the gut. Dean knew how to numb this feeling: booze and lots of it.

And while all these things may have fueled what happened next, he doesn’t blame Cas or Gabe. He knows now he has no one to blame but himself.

After talking to Gabe, Dean picked up a few groceries for the night. His order consisted of frozen pizza, ice cream, a family-size bag of tortilla chips with salsa, topped off with a case of Budweiser. He stopped at the liquor store next door and picked up a few bottles of JD. By a few, he thinks it was four, but it may have been six. What he does remember is Ash, his favourite cashier, asking him if everything was ok. Dean told him to fuck off and mind his own business. 

He packed everything into the Impala and decided he didn’t want to be home with his photos and memories of better times. He drove directly up to the cabin, so he could be alone. It was late evening when he finally got there. He got all his stuff inside, grabbed two bottles of JD and walked down to the dock, watched the sunset, and cracked open his first bottle. He finished it and started in on his second. This much he remembers, it all kind of gets blurry after that. 

He’s not sure what happened next, but he woke up the next morning on the floor of the bathroom in the cabin, a nearly empty bottle of JD in his hand, whether the second or third he doesn’t know. He threw up but it was mostly dry heaves. Feeling woozy, he got up, had a glass of water and some Advil, and passed out on the couch. 

He woke up to a series of panicked texts from Sam and Bobby asking where he was, apparently they were supposed to have had dinner the night before. He didn’t care enough to answer. He turned off his phone and finished the bottle of JD in front of him. The passage of time is a bit hazy, but when he woke up next, he craved salt and carbs of the fast food variety. Nearest Rotten Ronnies was in the village 20 miles back. Dean admits he was feeling a bit off kilter but figured it was hunger and a hangover. He’d been asleep for a good long time, now time for the punishing aftermath. He started driving down the dirt road, when right before the bridge he swears a rabbit darted out in front of him. He took a sharp turn to avoid it and drove his beloved Baby into a large oak tree. 

Then it all goes black.

“Dean, Dean, wake up…” Someone was shaking Dean awake and being loud. His head hurt and he wasn’t entirely sure where he was. 

He opened his eyes. Jody Mills was looking calm but more serious than he’d ever seen her.

“Dean, you smell like a distillery. Paramedics are on the way.”

“What? Why… I don’t need.” 

He touched his forehead, blood. And his left shoulder hurt. He’s not sure why. He heard the sirens in the distance. Baby’s front end was mangled, and Jody was asking him to blow into a straw, but it was all too much. 

Next thing he knew the paramedics were on him. Jody was giving them a report on what she saw.

“Possible DUI, could you do blood work? I tried the breathalyzer but he passed out. Could a be a concussion though, not sure.” 

DUI? But Dean couldn’t still be drunk. Could he? He’d slept, he felt ok. And now, well, he felt hungover with a different kind of wicked headache and sore shoulder. Dean looked down to see an empty bottle of JD on the floor by the passenger side door. He doesn’t know how it got there.

After checking his neck and making sure there was nothing more serious than a bump to the head, the paramedic got him out of the car and into the ambulance.

“You’re lucky no one else was hurt — saving fucking assholes like you is NOT what I signed up for,” the paramedic said as he jabbed a needle into Dean’s arm. Dean deserved this pain too, so he just looked away. “Fucking always picking up the pieces of innocent lives after people like you wreck them.”

Well, he’s not wrong, Dean thought. He’d been drunk and he’d gotten behind the wheel of a car. Flashing back to every single timeSam would be most upset about their dad driving home after a night at the bar. Upset that John was drunk but even more upset that John could have hurt others. And now, Dean had gone and done exactly the same thing. He was no better than his dad. 

He decided he would just not fight, and let the dice fall where they may.If they wanted to send him to jail for a long, long time, this was what he deserved. He wouldn’t let the hospital call anyone, but Jody knew Bobby and did anyway. 

Bobby appareared and didn’t say anything. He just sat at Dean’s beside. Once it was clear that physically Dean would be ok, he finally said: “You were fucking lucky, boy. The bottle killed your dad, god help me if I let it kill you too. Once you get out of here, we’ll find you a place to dry out.” Bobby touched his arm and left the room. It’s only then that Dean allowed himself to cry. 

Sam was furious, absolutely furious and told Dean off 11 ways to Sunday. Dean just let him. Sam was right, he was exactly the fuck up his father predicted he would be. He wasn’t worth the time anyone was giving him. 

It turns out his blood alcohol was just below the legal limit, but given the empty bottles in the car, and his state when they found him, they charged him with impaired driving anyway. As a first-time offender he got a fine, a thirty-day license suspension, and court-mandated therapy. 

“You’ve been given a second chance, son.” Judge Hendrickson had said while sentencing him. “Take this as an opportunity to turn things around. Next time, we won’t be so lenient.”

Sam flat-out refused to speak to Dean until he got clean. Bobby went back to working in the garage full time. Promised Dean he had a job once he got out but ONLY if he sobered up. And yet, Dean couldn’t completely stop drinking. For the first time in his life, Dean felt completely and totally alone. And, wow, it was scary and it sucked. Really the only person he wanted to talk to was Cas. But Cas was fucking some gorgeous men up in another country because of him. And how do you call up your former best friend and say “_hey, sorry about that thing we did, can you help me through this?”_

It was a hell of his own making, and he knew it, but Dean wasn’t sold on the concept that he might have a problem with alcohol, and honestly, he only went to rehab because they wouldn’t give him his license back until he had. During his first session with “Just Donna” his court-appointed therapist, she suggested he stopped drinking until the next appointment two days later. It was a bet, if Dean won, Donna would sign off on his license, if he failed, he would pick up doughnuts for the next session. 

Dean showed up with a dozen doughnuts and coffee. He went to his first AA meeting later that week. He never did call Cas. 

——

“Hi, my name is Dean. And I’m an alcoholic.”

Cas is supposed to laugh, but instead he just looks at Dean. Dean had forgotten exactly how disarming Cas’s looks could be. He bites his lower lip. Worries and waits. 

“I would have answered, you know.” Cas finally says. “Had you called.” 

“You had better ways to spend your time than to pick up my pieces.” 

“How I spend my time is my decision to make.” 

Dean’s been through this with Donna any number of times -- that people will and do still love him. He struggles with it.

“You had new people in your life. Less fucked up people.” 

“There is room for all sorts of people in my life.” Cas looks down at his hands and takes a sip of his beer. “Does this bother you? I can switch to something else.”

“Honestly, Cas, it’s fine. Sam and Bobby still have a cold one when I’m around.”

Cas looks at him like he’s not entirely convinced. 

“Booze is all over the place, Cas. It’s ok. Alcoholism is genetic but like there’s often a trigger. Shit with my dad, probably learned it was a coping mechanism.”

Therapy has helped in many ways. Mostly in pointing out that not everything his dad said was right or reasonable. Telling this story again Dean does feel particularly worthy. 

“I’m sorry all this happened, Dean.” Cas reaches over and places his hand on Dean’s. Dean hates how good it feels. 

“Seems I ended up just like my dad. Except with a record, high insurance premiums, and a scar over my eyebrow.”

“You’re nothing like your father, you got help. I don’t see a scar.”

“Kind of hidden by my eyebrows… see.”

Dean leans in so Cas can see it. It’s barely there but, like that pimple on your nose, it seems massive to him. But then Cas puts his bowl down, scoots over and runs his thumb across it. God, Dean wants to reach over and kiss him, but he hasn’t earned that, he probably never will. Cas blushes and pulls away. 

Dean feels the need to fill the silence

“Yeah, been a bit more than a year. I’ll have to keep at it forever. I usually go to AA meetings a few times a week. Helps keeps things in check. But we’re kind of stuck here right now. I tried online but it’s not quite the same. Ended up calling my sponsor, Benny, last night. Hot guy from Louisiana, straight as a rod sadly. But he’s there when I need him. We’ve spoken a lot the last few days.” 

Actually, they’ve spoken more in the last few days than they’ve spoken in the last 12 months but Cas doesn’t need to know that.

“That’s good you have a support system like that.” Cas sounds like he means it, but there is sadness in his eyes. “What did Lisa think about all this?”

“Oh, I met her after all this happened. We kind of hooked up after a meeting one night. I think we both just needed the release. It just sort of evolved from there. Benny says I got thirteenth-stepped.”

Cas raises an eyebrow. 

“Some people use AA to prey on the new people in the group. They call it the 13th step. Looking back now, he may have been right.”

Benny made it clear he really didn’t like Lisa, she’d apparently made a habit of trying to use the meetings as her personal dating pool. But Dean let himself get swept away, loving that someone, anyone, still found him attractive in spite of everything he’d done. 

“She was hot and her son was incredible. I hope I get to see him once in a while. Her ex came back into the picture, she started seeing him behind my back. The proposal was just what felt like the right thing to do at the time. Everone told me it was dumb. Think it was a bit of a Hail Mary pass to keep us together.”

Dean looks over at Cas pulling the label off his beer bottle. Hardly seem real that they’re talking like this. Some sort of Snuffalupagus that exists only in memories and dreams. And now here he is. Dean asks the question he’s been holding onto all night. 

“Sam said something about California, I didn’t think you were coming back.”

Dealing with Cas being gone for good nearly drove Dean back to drinking. Lisa, well, she didn’t get it, wouldn’t give him space to figure it out. They’d had one hell of a fight about it, something about how if he was so upset about Cas, he should marry him instead. She may have been onto something.

“To be honest, I wasn’t planning on coming back. There was a contract in Los Angeles. But this one is better, and I wanted to be closer to family. LA has sun and something that seems woefully lacking here. The boys were also moving there.” Cas ends it there. 

“Those men, Gabe showed me?” Dean doesn’t really want to know the answer to this question. 

“I’m not sure which photos he showed you. I decided to try and reinvent myself in Ottawa. Open myself up, play the field. Except I never really enjoyed one night stands like you did, but I didn’t want anything serious. Polyamory worked Zar, Ram and Carter.” 

Dean tries to pretend he’s not shocked. 

“I don’t know what to say.” 

“Don’t say anything. I’m not heartbroken. We’re still very close friends.”

Cas looks right at him, Dean always feels that Cas sees him in a way no one else does. “You know Dean, I used to be able to tell what you were thinking. Penny for your thoughts.”

“Not worth that much.” Dean wants to know more about Cas’s boyfriends. But not really any of his business. Cas raises an eyebrow and smirks. “Out with it then.” 

“I’m not sure I’d be willing to share like that.”

Cas smiles. “It’s not for everyone. It worked for us. But you know, I’m sure there are people out there I wouldn’t want to share either.” 

Dean wonders if he’d have been one of those people. He tries to be happy with what he’s got. 

“This is good, you know, talking like this. I’ve missed you is all. It’s a lot to ask but could we work on being friends again?” Dean can squash all those romantic urges, really he can. 

“It will never be like it was. But yes, we can try.” Cas looks disappointed though and Dean’s not sure why.

“Thanks. I know this is difficult. For what it’s worth, I’m sorry about everything. ”

“Water under the bridge. Maybe that’s the wrong expression.” Cas offers with a shrug. “Movie?”

Dean laughs. “Sure. I hear the new Captain Marvel is pretty great.” 

“She sure is, but there are some spectacular abs in Black Panther.” Cas gives him a big gummy smile. 

Dean melts a bit, it’s the best thing he’s seen in a long time. He can do this, he can be friends with Cas. He knows it’s not exactly what he wants but Dean Winchester does not get good things — therapy and AA haven’t erased that last legacy of John’s, but he vows to do right by Cas.

They settle on Captain Marvel followed by The Black Panther. If they end up sitting close enough on the couch that their knees touch, Dean will count it as a win.


	7. Chapter 7

The phone rings after breakfast while Dean and Cas are doing the dishes — Cas washes, Dean dries. They’ve touched a total of 28 times since they got up this morning, right now Dean’s arm is brushing against Cas’s. Cas can deal with being relegated to friends, but the mixed messages this morning are frustrating.

“That’ll be Missouri,” Cas says.

Dean looks skeptical, but laughs when he looks at this phone.

“Hi, Missouri.”

“Yeah for sure we can come and help.” He sticks his tongue out at Cas. “Bobby’s chainsaw is around here somewhere.”There is a dramatic pause. 

“Ok, I’ll look in the shed next to the ax. Be there soon.”

Cas is chuckling. “You know that’s where the saw is.” 

***

It’s still grey and overcast, Cas hopes it’s warmer and puts his Birkenstocks. 

“Dude, you can’t wear sandals around a chain saw,” Dean says. “Cute feet though.” 

Cas can’t help but roll his eyes. “FIne, mom.” He’s not a fan of shoes, but Dean is right. “I’ll get my hiking boots out of the car.” 

With all the tools assembled, they make their way to Missouri’s house. For the first time since he arrived in Kansas, the sun seems to be trying to peek through the clouds, he was starting to wonder if someone had scorched the sky. And though it was up and fine just yesterday, there is a fallen tree blocking the driveway. There must have been a windstorm in the night.

*****

“Oh, it’s so good to see you two together again.” She hugs Dean, then swoops Cas up. “But things still aren’t right.” She looks deep into Dean’s eyes. He blushes and looks at his feet. Cas tries not to find it adorable. 

“If you could set the wood to dry by the side of the house, we can chop it into smaller pieces later. Meanwhile I’ll make lunch for us.”

It’s an old oak, likely to have needed cutting down soon anyway. Cas grabs the hand held saw to handle the smaller branches while Dean uses the chainsaw on the bigger bits. Dean removes his rain gear, and notes that Cas has done the same thing. It’s hard wet miserable work. But they are getting it done. 

Dean checks to see how Cas is doing, Cas looks away. It happens a lot. Dean doesn’t know what’s wrong. And he hates himself for not having the guts to tell Cas how he feels. Not that Cas would reciprocate, no way. Bad enough, he’s just a mechanic with a GED but he ran off in a bit of a panic, and now Cas knows he’s an alcoholic with a record. He wishes he were the kind of man Cas deserved but he’s not and he’s just going to have to accept it. 

The more he thinks about all this, the angrier he gets with himself. Then he starts struggling with a part of the trunk. He needs an extra set of hands to help. What’s worse, he’s felt a few drops of rain falling on his face. 

“Hey, can I get a hand here,” Dean barks at Cas, it comes out harsher than he’d meant. 

“A please might be nice.” But Cas comes over to help, pointing out how to cut through this knot. Dean knows how to solve the problem, he just needs Cas to hold something. 

“Just because I am a drunk doesn’t mean I can’t handle a chainsaw.” Dean hadn’t meant for that piece of internal dialogue to make its way out. 

“No clue what addiction has to do with cutting down trees. But making a cut here will make your life easier.”

“I know what I am doing, Castiel.”

He only called him Castiel when they were pissed with each other. Cas just ignores him and starts stacking up logs by the house. But Dean is now in a snit. He can’t help but keep criticizing and explaining how things are supposed to be done.

“Cas, you can’t stack the logs like that.” Dean is standing over the pile Cas just placed beside the house. 

“It is a stack of logs. Pretty sure I can do this even if it’s not up to your standards. It’s just wood, Dean.” Cas stands tall, clearly pissed off, and takes a few steps towards Dean. Dean is taller, but furious Cas is a force to be reckoned with. 

“You’re asking for rodents if you do it like that.” Dean knows it’s lame and he’s not sure if it's actually true.

Cas takes a step forward, getting very close to Dean. 

“What the hell is your problem?” Cas is glaring at him in a way that shouldn’t be so attractive. But Dean started this fight and damn it he’s going to finish it.

“All your fucking learning and you can’t fucking stack a few pieces of wood.”

“As you recall, you seem to have no issue with it when I was handling yours.” 

Dean takes a few steps towards him and pushes Cas against the house. He stares at Dean - anger flaring in those blue eyes. Cas licks his lips, Dean loses his resolve and smashes his mouth over Cas’s. It’s rough, hard, all teeth, tongue and passion, just like Dean remembers. Cas seems to be in it, but then Cas gives him a strong shove back. 

“Fuck off. No.” 

Shit. What has he done. 

“Fuck Cas, I’m sorry…”

“No, Dean. Enough. I was quite willing to give this friends thing, another try. But all day, it’s been like you’re coming onto me. What do you want from me, Dean? Because I am getting mixed messages.” 

What Dean wants and what is good for the both of them are two different things. He’s decided he can’t have Cas and that’s the end of that. 

“We can’t.”

“Can’t what, Dean? Be friends? Be lovers?”

Dean doesn’t say anything. Cas pushes him out of his path and starts to walk away. 

“I’m going back to the cabin. You can finish this by yourself.” Cas makes his way towards the road back to their cabin. 

But before he can make his dramatic exit, he hears Missouri’s screen door open. 

“Boys! Enough shouting! You are both coming in for lunch. Both of you. I am not taking no for an answer.”

*****

Dean isn’t sure why he keep fucking up with Cas. Ok, he knows. He fucks everything up. He desperately wants Cas back in his life, knows it’s best for Cas if friends is all they are. But damn, sometimes his brain goes offline. Like 10 minutes ago, god what is that — forcing himself on Cas or anyone is not cool. 

Now, Missouri is angry and Cas won’t look at him. 

“I have nothing left to say to him,” Cas says to Missouri. “I am heading back to the cabin.” He goes to stand but Missouri, busy getting lunch on the table, stops and puts her hand on his shoulder. 

“Sit,” she says sternly. “If, after lunch, you never want to speak to Dean again that’s fine. But you will have this meal together. And we are going to have an honest conversation.” 

One last meal — he can do this. One minute at a time, as Benny says. She’s made mac ‘n cheese, Dean knows it’s incredible. It might be his last conversation ever with Cas, but at least the food will be good. 

Missouri finally sits down and serves the plates. 

“Dean, please pass the salad dressing.” 

Dean does. 

“Thank you.”

And the only sound is scraping of cutlery against plates. After what seems like hours, Missouri clears her throat.

“Now, that we’ve all had some time to calm ourselves.” Cas and Dean both start to say something, but Missouri holds up her hands. 

“I will talk and you will listen. Then I will leave you two stubborn boys alone to sort out this mess.” She starts to clear the table, but Dean and Cas are on it before she can. Cas refreshes everyone’s sweet tea and Dean grabs the tin of cookies that lives on her counter. 

“Sit,” she says as if they are misbehaving puppies. And they do, stealing a glance at each other. This reminds Dean of the many times he ended up sitting outside the principal’s office. Cas usually with him to play the role of his defense attorney. 

“What am I going to do with you two?” She gives a deep sigh. “There is so much love here, it’s what keeps drawing you back. But you both seem to be throwing up roadblocks.Cas, you need to decide whether you want to stay or go.” 

Dean didn’t really know leaving was still an option. Sure he’d heard Cas mention LA, but he couldn’t be serious. He just came back.“Don’t go,” is all Dean says. Cas looks over in surprise, but doesn’t say anything. 

“Then give him a reason to stay, Dean. But you have to stop assuming what he wants. Only he gets to decide what he wants, ask him. You deserve good things. And you two both deserve to be happy.” 

With that she gets up.

“Now go finish with my tree.”


	8. Chapter 8

The tree finally dealt with, tempers calmed. Dean and Cas make it back to the cabin in silence,Cas lost in Missouri’s words. He doesn’t know what he wants or if he wants to stay. Dean seems to be in a similar state of mind and they co-exist in silence. Cas opts to check in with folks, see if the boys are up to anything interesting. 

Ramzey, true to his word, has sent through a link to the photos and videos of his goodbye party. It’s the usual debauchery and goings on, Carter and Ramzey laughing as they deep-throat a banana. The pile of them in Balt’s massive bed. Cas in the middle surrounded by all his lovers — he vaguely remembers someone setting up that camera. God, things were so much simpler last week. A lot of love, laughter and great friends. It was easy. He considers emailing his contact at UCLA, maybe another year away would do him good.

Last in the email is a link to a video. Ramzey has captioned it. “I love looking up at gorgeous men when I suck dick. I miss you, Blue Eyes. Your favourite cocksucker. Ram.” 

Ramzey was beautiful. Armenian, haunting green eyes, and a propensity to get naked at the drop of a hat, not that anyone minded. Cas had often said that if he looked like that, he’d be naked all the time too. Carter told him he was just as hot and they all wanted to see him naked more. Carter was a perpetual optimist. He misses Carter — misses all of them. 

While some things at the cabin have changed, the speed of the wifi isn’t one of them. The file is taking a long time to download. He walks to the kitchen and fills the kettle and sets it on the stove. 

“Dean, there’s plenty of hot water. Would you like a cup?” May as well play nice. 

“No hippy drinks, Cas. We discussed this.” 

But Dean is standing by the table looking at Cas’s laptop. He’s blushing right up to the tips of his ears. “Not sure what they do up north, but down here we do our porn watching in private.” Dean sounds more amused than horrified.

Shit, Cas forgot about the download and holy hell, the message was from Ramzey — a video no less. _No no no no no_, Cas freaks out who knows what the hell it is. He bounces over to the laptop. Holy fuck. 

“I am sorry, Dean. My friend Ramzey is a bit of an exhibitionist, I didn’t realize what it was. I’ll move to the bedroom, not everyone is comfortable with amateur gay porn. My apologies.”

There is Ramzey naked, jerking off while he sucks Cas’s dick. Dean is watching him getting his dick sucked. Things are shit between them anyway. Maybe Dean won’t be able to tell it’s him. The shot does not include Cas’s face — so he goes for plausible deniability, grateful that he keeps his laptop on mute before the sounds of slurps and moans start filling the living room. But Dean is blocking his way, so he can’t turn it off. He sends a quiet prayer to the universe asking for the Earth to break open and swallow him whole. 

“I love porn, Cas, all porn. You know that. Just didn’t expect it.” Dean leans in to get a closer look at the screen. Cas prays for death. “Whoa, this is you…”

Cas brain comes to a screeching halt. He looks down on to the screen and there is Ramzey on his knees, eyes beaming, his smirk evident. The angle of the video reveals the Enochian tattoo Cas has on his ribs. To anyone else, he could deny that it’s him, but Dean was there when he got it after his mother died. Still Cas is going to give denial the old college try.

“That’s not me. That’s Ramzey, he’s one of the friends I was telling you about. He pays for school with cam work.” Cas may have been in some of those videos too. 

“Yeah, he’s hot. But not him, the other guy… you. There’s that tattoo on your ribs. There’s the scar on your hand,” Dean points to Cas’s hand holding Ramzey’s head. Then points to Cas’s hand. “From that time we went fishing. And yeah, I’d know those hands anywhere.” Cas doesn’t miss the way Dean squirms in his jeans. 

Dean seems to forget he’s there for a moment. 

“Some guys have all the luck,” Dean says.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean.” Cas shoving Dean out of the way and snapping the laptop shut. “Are you implying that I’m not hot enough to fuck someone like Ramzey? You know Dean, just because you don’t want me like that, or whatever the fuck you feel for me. Doesn’t mean no one else does.” 

“Cas, you don’t… what? … That’s not…”

“Then what? I’m supposed to remain virginal and pine for you while you drink and fuck your way through every bendy brunette in Kansas. Fuck you, Dean. I made real friends. People who actually care for my feelings and make me feel wanted, sexy and beautiful. Something I certainly needed help with after you fucked off.”

Dean stands there, his ears red, head bowed down. He looks ashamed. Cas is pretty sure he may be overreacting but he’s wanted this out of his system for a while. 

“Cas, give me a chance to…” 

“To explain. No. You know what, Dean. Save it. I’m sorry you saw that. Just forget it, and forget me. I’m going to email UCLA and move there instead.”

With that Cas grabs the laptop and puts it in his room. He grabs his phone and his keys, and one of the raincoats by the door, then slams the door determined to find a way back to civilization.


	9. Chapter 9

Cas drives back out toward the bridge, he sees someone standing by the barricade in a long police raincoat. They are too tall to be Jody. Cas pulls his SUV beside him, and rolls down the window. The bridge, what’s left of it anyway, is under at least a foot of water.

“Cas, my friend, good to see you.” Garth, one of the areas ridiculously friendly local cops, leans into the SUV. Cas is grateful for the barrier — Garth likes to hug. “Welcome back man, it’s been a long time. How was Canada? I always wanted to go up there.”

Cas barely gets a word in edgewise, but he fills in Garth in on the finer points of Ottawa. 

“Man, I cannot believe they drive to work in that much snow. Ridiculous. Hey, Dean missed you, you know -- and that accident man. Wasn’t sure he’d ever fix that Impala. Heck, didn’t think we’d ever see him up here again. It was so good to see that big black car in the driveway a few days ago. Glad you’re back too, man. Just like old times.” 

Cas lets the words wash over him, it’s definitely not like it was. Never would be, if Cas has anything to do with it. 

“I see the bridge is still out, is there any other way out of here?”

“Sadly no, I took a boat over. Jody’s due to swing by later to do the rounds and check on everyone in terms of provisions. Let me know if you need anything. Ain’t no way out. Time to curl up with a good book and enjoy a bit of quality down time.”

Cas must look distraught. Garth puts his hand on his shoulder to reassure.

“Hey dude, it’ll be ok. We’ll make sure you aren’t completely cut off. I know it’s not ideal. But it needs to stop pissing rain for a good 48 hours, so the water level can fall a bit and they can fix up the bridge enough for you to drive over it. Take another few days after that. Give it four days.” 

“No way out, then.”

“You could check to see with the sheriff, she can arrange to get you out but you’d have to leave your car for now. And the forecast isn’t good, they’re calling for big winds and more rain tonight. It’s ok now, but things turn quickly around here. Sit back, open a cold one and enjoy Mother Nature’s light show.”

“Thank you, Garth. I’ll get in touch with Jody to see if we can arrange something. There are some matters I need to attend to.” 

Even if he escapes this and he finds some way back to civilization, he is still going to have to find his way back here to get his car and his things. He knows it will result in some sort of Winchester intervention. And the last thing he needs is more fucking Winchester drama in his life. A simple life, nice house, job he likes and friends whose very presence don’t remind him every single day of how he let Dean get away.. 

Without Dean and his goddamn “Hey, let’s just be friends” routine. Like anyone believes it’s what Dean wants. How dare Dean judge him for moving on and trying new things. Why the hell wouldn’t he? Dean kicked him out of his clubhouse, and so what if he’s found new people to play with, why wouldn’t people like Ramzey want to be with him. And if Dean thinks Cas is ashamed of anything that went on with Ramzey he’s got another thing coming. There was good money to be made being Ram’s co-star, not that he’d want to this full time but the extra cash, he saved enough to put a down-payment on a house. 

He starts up his SUV. He drives down to the end of the dirt road. But the skies are quickly darkening and the wind has picked up again. Not the best time to be stuck in his car. The cabin is less than a mile away, he can dash back there if things get really bad. He needs a walk, time alone to think. He hears thunder rumbling in the distance. 

And he’s tired of pussyfooting around Dean. He’s just not sure what Dean wants from him, he’s not sure what he wants from Dean either. Fact is, right at this moment he feels more alone than he has in a very long time. He considers logging into chat, knows that someone is likely there to help, or to try and make him laugh. He’s just not sure he can fake being happy even for their sake. 

Maybe Balt has a few moments to spare, so he calls. 

“Castiel, my love, how are you?”

It’s the wrong question. Cas unloads all of his problems on poor Balt. He tells him how they agreed to be friends and how Dean had seen the Ramzey video. He tries to downplay the shame and self-loathing but it’s hard. 

“I’m going to contact UCLA, Balt. Lawrence is too small and I’ll never be able to get rid of him. And this moment, I’m pretty sure I hate him and I’m stuck here for four more days.”

Balt laughs. Cas isn’t sure what to make of it. 

“Oh, we are at the ‘I hate you so much’ part of this little pas-à-deux. Oh Cassie, darling, unresolved sexual tension is such a bitch.”

“It’s resolved, Balt, I’m done. I am moving on.” 

This makes Balt laugh more. 

“You don’t believe that, and neither do I.” 

“Balt, this is not helping.” 

Balt chuckles. “If you really want to run away and come to LA, then that is certainly an option. I am sure the boys will welcome you with open arms. Word of advice, if I may. Resolve things with Dean first, otherwise you’re just going to wonder what could have been. “

“But …”

The thunder growls, and hail pellets bounce off the car with enough force that Balt can hear it. 

“Get out of your car and go find somewhere safe to be. I have this idea that speaking honestly with each other might change things for the better. But that job is good for you, as is that cute little house. You belong there, and you know it. If things fall apart, I’ll be more than happy to make room for you here.” 

Cas wants to protest, starts to but it sounds untrue. Balt is right. Leaving Kansas with all its advantages because of Dean may be a bit rash, moreso because he and Dean haven’t really talked. It’s been a trying few days, and the stress of it all may be getting to him. He still a bit angry, but he decides to go back into the cabin, mostly because he has nowhere else to go.


	10. Chapter 10

Dean isn’t sure why he keeps fucking things up with Cas. Donna says he needs to “use his words and express his needs.” He needs Cas in his life, he’s the yin to his yang. He’s also in love with Cas, but that’s not a need. So what do you do when what can get what you need? They haven’t talked about that. Dean’s just going to crawl into Donna’s office when all this over, curl into a ball and stay that way. 

He wants Cas, he’s in love with Cas. And yeah, the idea of Cas with all those other guys is making him a bit nuts. The clip is hot as hell, but what he wouldn’t give to be the only one who made Cas feel that way. But he can’t and he’s trying to make to do with that he knows he can have. 

Benny keeps saying that Dean needs to tell Cas how he feels, but after what happened Dean just can’t see the point. No, Cas should find some nice professor — not too good looking, but kind, who can take care of him the way he deserves. Dean can see them sitting in their living room now, surrounded by books, finishing the New York Times Sunday Crossword before heading off to the farmer’s market. Dean, well, he’d be the man that was Cas’s best friend from school. They’d see each from time to time, get-togethers or when Cas dropped off the car to get fixed. Dean would wipe the grease off his hands, Cas would avoid touching him in his nice suit. They’d take a few moments to catch-up, Cas’s job, Sam’s kids, life at the shop. They’ll end with a promise to get together for dinner, but that wouldn’t happen either. Dean would go home at the end of the day, order a pizza and go to sleep alone, sad and pathetic. Just like he feels. 

Why does letting Cas go have to hurt so much? Dean showers and switches into the PJ bottoms Ben got him for Christmas last year. Ben, now there is someone else who deserves the sun, the moon and the stars. Dean hopes Lisa does right by him. He promised the little guy he’d check in from time to time. Maybe they can go bowling or something when Dean goes home. Right. He needs to find a new place to live. 

Getting out his tablet, he searches for bachelor and one bedroom apartments. Maybe he needs a two bedroom if the little guy is going to visit. Prices near the garage aren’t too bad, and if it’s walking distance he won’t need to pay for parking. A notification pops up:

**From Benny**: Brother, did you cross that bridge?

**From Dean**: Out of here. No. And with Cas, also no.

**From Dean**: at least four days on the first. Probably never on the other

**From Benny**: Shot you down?

**From Dean**: Didn’t give him the chance.

**From Benny:** Totally your call, brother. How do you feel about that?

**From Dean**: I hate that question.

**From Benny**: Not an answer. 

**From Dean:** Not great. But I want him around more. Don’t want to scare him away. But I keep pissing him off, he said he’s going to LA.

**From Benny: **Then maybe you need to give him a reason to stay. 

Dean hates that it’s going to come down to some sort of lovesick puppy dog confession, when he doesn’t have a snowball’s chance of things going his way. 

A loud thunder clap startles him, he looks outside, the sky is dark and menacing. Something is coming. It’s only then that Dean notices that Cas’s car is gone. There really isn’t far to go with the bridge closed, it’s a two-mile strip. Dean opens the front door, hoping to see Cas’s car parked on the road. Nothing. _Damn it, Cas._ It’s only then that He notices the hail stones. He paces back and forth, Cas has got to be fine. Cas wouldn’t try to cross the creek on his car. God, what if he’s drowning. Dean runs his hands through his hair, and tries to find his phone to call Jody. 

He’s about to dial when he hears the door open and sees Cas come walking in as if it were any other day.

“Thank god you’re back. They issued another tornado alert.” Dean says as Cas walks into the cabin. “I was worried.” 

Cas looks genuinely confused. 

“Where would I go? The bridge is still out. Garth says probably four days.” 

Dean watches as Cas takes off his shoes. He wants to walk up and hug him. Cas looks up at him, like he can’t quite find the right words. 

“I am sorry about earlier, Dean. It’s been a stressful few days.”

“You’re not the one who needs to apologize. I shouldn’t have been looking at your stuff.” Dean says. “But yeah, this is hard. I miss us.”

Is that a nod? 

“Me too. It can’t be like it was,” Cas looks wistful. “But we can certainly try to be more civil towards each other. Maybe work towards … friendship.” 

“I’d like that.” Dean lies. “I was about to make soup and grilled cheese for dinner. Should I make enough for two?” 

“Please.”

*******

Cas wakes up to a loud thunder clap, then the sound of rain hitting the cabin roof. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees lightning strike across the lake. He hasn’t been asleep for long. Too much on his mind. Dean mostly.

Rather than put on a shirt, he grabs the blanket off the bed and heads off the enclosed porch to watch the light show. He settles onto the loveseat thinking back to all the nights he and Dean would sneak onto the porch at night. Sure, Bobby was going to yell at them to be quiet and go to sleep already. Inevitably Dean would steal food from the kitchen: store-bought pie, chips, or cookies that hadn’t been consumed with dinner. Things were so simple then.

Not like now, now it’s all adult feeling and big words, even the biggest ones that get stuck in his chest. Cas knows what he feels. he He would be ok, more than ok, resuming his relationships with Balt and the boys, but Balt is absolutely right, he’s still in love with Dean. He loves the guys, they are great friends and he loves them dearly, but what he feels for them doesn’t hold a candle to what he feels about Dean, and about losing him. Again. But it feels like too massive a conversation to have. 

“Thought I might find you here.” Cas jumps in surprise. He must be distracted. Dean was never one for stealth.

“Hello, Dean.” Cas doesn’t even turn to look at him. 

“Hey, umm… you got a sec?” 

Cas wraps the blanket more tightly around himself, Dean takes a step closer but doesn’t sit down. He’s shirtless and wearing the polar bear sleep pants again, looks like not much else. 

“Of course.”

He pulls up a chair and sits down across from Cas, leans forward so that his elbows are on his knees. 

“I need to tell you a few things. I kind of keep chickening out. God, this was easier when I was rehearsing it in my head. I just want to explain about that night, about the last two years… about everything. One of the things they talk about in rehab is making amends to people you’ve hurt, but only if you doing so doesn’t hurt them more. I’d been clinging to the last bit, but Benny says it’s an excuse. So I dunno man, I hope this doesn’t make it worse. Things are plenty bad already.”

Cas tries to interrupt, but Dean just holds up his hand.

“Please. Hear me out. This is hard. I know what Missouri said, what a lot of people have said, so this is me trying. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve some super-smart, hot, perfect guy, who has a good job and can take care of you. Talk about all that religious stuff you keep studying. Not the fucking mess that I am.” 

Dean runs his hand through his short hair. The lighting strike seems to accentuate his strong arms. 

“Cas, I fucked up that night. I wanted you forever, I just didn’t know how to say it. Missed you like 30 seconds after I left your place and was too scared to go back. I freaked out when every single dumb thing my dad ever said started playing in my head, about how I break everything I touch, and how I couldn’t do anything right. Even though I knew, guess I still know that you don’t think it’s true. By the time I’d calmed down, I didn’t know what to say to make it better.”

Cas sits up, adjusts the blanket around him. He starts to say something but Dean continues. 

“And it’s dumb, because at the same time, I’d pretty much decided that I need to do something about us. But, not drunk, and maybe with more words. I dunno, man, fucking date or something. I didn’t want our first time to be a drunken make out session, and I felt guilty about that too. It wasn’t supposed to go down like that. And I was kind of paralyzed by like my own recklessness. Then you were gone and I felt like it was too late. Sam and Charlie man, they tried. They threatened, begged, you know, pretty much anything and everything to get me to talk to you. And my dumb stubborn-ass self couldn’t admit that it was up to me to fix this and that I was …” Dean stumbles over this last word, “wrong. And booze seemed to be the only way to numb and forget how badly I’d fucked up.” 

Cas holds the space and tries to get Dean to look at him, but it’s dark and he’s having a hard time catching Dean’s expression. The lightning streaks across the sky, lighting up the room briefly, Dean’s looking down at his hands like they hold the whole world. 

“Dean, we…”

“Just give me a sec, let me finish. I know we talked about being friends earlier, and I’ll take what I can get. But…” Dean turns to Cas. “Deep down, I’d like more. I don’t like labels, I guess I’m bi, probably more gay than bi. But whatever…and you’re smart and going places. Me, well, I’m just a recovering drunk with daddy issues and oil under his fingernails. But damn it, I miss you. And jesus fuck, your hip bones might just have given me a fetish. ”

Cas laughs.

“Thank you.” 

“I’m embarrassing myself here. Like today with the clip with Ramzey, I meant that he’s the lucky one. He gets to be with you. You said he was in school and doing things with his life. That guy should be your kind of man, but damn if I don’t hate him a lot right now.” 

“Ramzey is a lovely man and a dear friend. But I don’t understand, Dean. What are you saying?” 

“I’m not what you need and you can do so much better. But maybe you could give me a chance. Can we go on a date, take it slow, get to know each other again, please?” 

Cas is at a loss for words. Of all the possible outcomes, this sort of confession was the last thing he expected. 

“A date?” 

“Cas, I had a long talk with Benny. He’s been with his wife Andrea a long time, even before he quit drinking. He made me realize a few things. Like, even after two years I can’t get you out of my head. He also says that I don’t get to decide what you want or need.” 

The lightning strikes, the thunder booms. Cas doesn’t say anything, he weighs his words.

“Cas, you gotta say something, man. Just let me down easy.”

“Dean, just a moment please. I need …”

They can see the trees bending in the storm. A gust of wind rattles the windows on the porch, then there’s a click and the pitter-patter of rain hitting windows, 

“Damn the power’s out. I’ll get candles,” Dean says and stands up and tries to dart out of the room. But Cas catches his wrist. “We’ll need to get the generator going.” Dean continues as he tries to get away.

“It can wait.” Cas takes a deep breath, doesn’t let go of Dean. He stands up, blanket falling at his feet so they are eye to eye. 

“If I ever gave you the impression, Dean, that what you do for a living matters to me or means that you are somehow lesser than me, then I owe you an apology. Benny is right. I get to decide what I want, and what I deserve. I think a date sounds like a good place to start. And for all this self-sacrificing you do Dean, I hope you know you deserve to be happy too.”

“Not sure guys like me get to be happy. I’ve done some awful things.” 

Somehow they’ve moved closer while Dean talked. Cas has moved his hand so that he now threads his fingers with Dean. 

“I’ve known you most of life Dean.You’ve made some bad choices. We all have. But that doesn’t make you bad. The Dean I love is kind, generous, and protective of the people in his life he truly cares about. Do you when I knew, I was in love with you? Mrs. Brown had asked me to read a poem I’d written to a local LGBT youth group. My mom wouldn’t go. And Tessa, well, she didn’t want you to go because bad enough your best friend was gay, to have you go to a gay thing… just not done in your senior year. We never really talked about it. I just assumed you weren’t coming. But as I’m leaving my house to walk there, there you were in the Impala.”

Cas loves that story. He read his poem and they’d given him a scholarship for college. And Dean hooted and hollered like he’d scored the winning touchdown. Afterwards, Dean hugged him hard. The group assumed they were a couple. Dean didn’t correct them. It gay boy gets on up on the popular girl in school, and for a moment, he even had the boy.

“I”m not going to lie though. The last few years have been hard. All the things I wanted to share with you. But I miss you and I’m tired of being angry. And I am still so stupidly, inexplicably in love with you. So yes, Dean. I’ll date you.”

Dean gives a mini-fist pump.

“I remember that night. I almost kissed you,” Dean says softly. That’s his Dean, Cas thinks. This tender man who has been through so much. 

“If I had a dollar for every time I thought you were going to kiss me, I wouldn’t need a job.”

“Yeah well, about that. I am not so good at taking the lead with you. Don’t suppose you’d consider a kiss before I head out into storm,” Dean looks down at his feet. 

“Thought you wanted to take things more traditionally.” Cas teases but takes a step closer to Dean. “Look at me.” 

Dean looks right at Cas, tracking between his eyes and his lips. Cas gently touches Dean’s cheek. Dean leans into it. Turning his head to gently kiss Cas’s palm. That’s all it takes, and Cas finally closes the distance. It’s a gentle unhurried touch of lips, and Cas feels it into his toes. It’s only then he realizes that they are both shirtless. He takes a step closer and feels Dean’s chest against his own. He lets go of Dean’s hand to pull Dean closer. Dean sighs, Cas nips and teases Dean’s lips. He feels Dean smile before letting Cas gently lick into his mouth. It’s everything their first kiss wasn’t. Tender, slow, with a promise of so much more.

Cas doesn’t want it to end, and may whimper when Dean pulls away first.

“When we’re old, and I’m telling Sam’s grandkids about our first kiss. I’m going to tell them about this one.”

Cas can’t help it, he leans in and kisses Dean a bit more chastely. 

“We haven’t even had our first date and we’re already talking about grandkids.” Cas isn’t quite read to let Dean go. 

Dean chuckles. “That was ok? Feeling a bit out of practice,” Dean admits. 

“More than ok. You’re making it hard for me not to invite you back to my bed.” 

“Hmmm, tempting, but I don’t want you to think I’m easy and put out before the first date.” Dean winks. Cas rolls his eyes. 

“Pretty sure it’s too late for that.” 

“Mr. Novak, our first date will be here on the porch, 6 p.m. I’m going to see if I can get the generator going for the fridge and stove.” Then he pulls away. Cas misses his heat immediately.

“Then it’s a date, Dean. Knock three times if you change your mind on sleeping arrangements. You’re right the memory foam is comfy.”

**** 

Dean feels a hundred times lighter now that he’s spoken to Cas and the date settled and well, the kiss. But he’s got to deal with stuff around the cabin. The wind has picked up again. And the rain is coming down in sheets. Dean is surprised the power hasn’t gone off before now. 

Dean stands looking at Baby and Cas’s SUV, and decides they might be safer from falling branches and trees if he moved them towards the end of the driveway. He grabs his keys, and finds Cas’s keys.

“Cas, I’m going to move the cars too.” 

He hears a faint ok. 

Then he’s out the door. The wind picks up and really he should have grabbed a shirt before heading out. He’s soaked within minutes. First the generator, he checks to make sure it’s full of gas then starts it up. They’ve got enough gas that it should last for a few days if needed. He moves a few bundles of wood for the fireplace closer to the door. He doesn’t think the cabin will get that cold, but you can’t beat the romance of a fire. 

He starts up Cas’s SUV. He isn’t about new cars, but even he has to admit it’s a sweet ride. He’ll have to take her for a test drive later. Assuming there is a later, he’s still not completely convinced that Cas isn’t going to run away screaming. But at this moment, he’s going to enjoy the anticipation. He parks the car nearer the road.

There’s still lots of stuff in the back. There are a few frames, he picks one up. It’s a photo of the two of them as kids by the lake, Dean holding up the first fish he ever caught. He puts the photo back. Grabs the next, one, the two of them after Cas’s commencement clinking beer bottles. He’d give anything to have Cas look at him like that again. He’s not sure why he’s surprised that Cas kept them. He’s got tons of pictures at home too. He wants to go through them all, maybe Cas will let him once the storm lets up. 

He gets out of the car and runs back to Baby. More rain. He considers running in the get a jacket. But he’s already soaked, so there really isn’t much point. He opens the car door. 

“Hey gorgeous, you doing ok out here?” He looks in the back seat. Man, there is some serious room back there. Not sure if it's big enough for two men, but damn he’s itching to try. “Damn, I’m getting way ahead of myself here. One kiss and I’ve got a list of places we need to christen.” 

He moves Baby next to the SUV. He wonders for a moment if Cas has a name for her. The cars look cute together. “That may be the gayest thing I’ve ever thought.” He runs back to the generator to see that it’s running well. It should be ok until morning. Hopefully the power is back by then. He braces himself and runs towards the door, still manages to get doused once again. He opens the door to find a few lit candles in the living room. Leaning against the couch is Cas, he’s holding a towel. Wearing a pair of sleep pants, judging by how low the pants are riding. Nothing else.

“I thought you might want help drying off,” Cas says. Dean swears Cas’s voice is an octave lower than it was the last time they spoke. His voice has always done things to Dean. But standing there, in the candlelight, Dean’s mouth goes dry. He swallows hard. 

“Thanks,” Dean croaks out, reaching out for the towel. 

Cas stands up and walks towards him. “Allow me?”

It’s a question, Dean could say no. They are supposed to be taking this slow. He probably should, but he’s a weak man, so he nods. Dean can feel the heat from Cas’s body while he gets his hair ruffled. Then he feels the towel move gently down around his ears, over his face. Cas kisses the tip of his nose, stops for a moment then gives Dean’s lips a gentle peck. Dean places his hands on Cas’s hips. 

“Wow, your hands are cold. Let’s try and warm them up.”

He then towels down his right arm. Cas rubs Dean’s hand between his own

Cas looks right up at Dean and smiles. As if this is something that happens every single day. “You can put your hand back, now. I hear you have a thing for hips.”

Dean doesn’t need to be asked twice as he pulls Cas closer. But Cas will not be moved. 

“Wait until I’m done drying you off.” 

“Cas, can you…” he barely recognizes his voice. 

“Would you like me to stop.” He looks at Dean a bit concerned. Dean smiles. 

“Don’t you dare.” 

Cas moves to his left arm and dries that off too. Cas then leans in and whispers in Dean’s ear.“Turn around, let me dry off your back, pants will stay on for now. I promise.” 

Dean’s almost disappointed to hear that but Cas rubbing him down through the towel feels so good. 

“Turn around, beautiful. Let me dry off your chest.” Cas runs the towel over Dean’s pecs. Dean tries to suppress a moan when Cas pays his nipples a bit of attention, until he finds his way down to the waist of his pants.

“I’d like to kiss you?” Dean answers the question by closing the space between them and pressing his lips to Cas, gently nipping Cas’s lower lip. He feels Cas smile. Cas tastes like toothpaste and smells like lavender body wash. Dean’s been secretly loving the smell lingering in the air after Cas’s shower. He feels the towel fall to the floor. Cas nuzzles across Dean’s chin, to nip at his earlobe. 

Kissing Dean on the lips one more time before Cas pulls away. Dean misses him instantly. “Stay, Cas. Just a bit more.” 

Cas moves in closer to Dean. “Hmmmm…. I really don’t want to, but if we keep going, we are going to have to get you out of your pants. If we do that, then I am going to end up kneeling in front of you, and we all know where that leads.”

Dean whimpers, he knows Cas can feel his erection, just like he can feel his. “Yeah, I did say that, didn’t I?” 

Cas,the fucker, chooses that moment to grind into him. God, he’d forgotten how much loves the feeling of a hard dick against his own. Cas in control is all kinds of sexy. 

“And I want to respect you and your wishes,” Cas says as he pulls away from dean. Dean whimpers. 

“Shhh… patience is a virtue. I am going to go back to my room, get out my lube, work off this situation myself. Give you a chance to decide what you want.” 

“Not fair, Cas. Not fair.” 

“What’s not fair is that I’ve wanted to suck you off since I was 17. I suppose one more day waiting won’t hurt. I just have one question, our first time, do you want to top or bottom?”

As this question, Dean freezes. Cas feels it, and pull away and looks at him with concern.

“What’s going on in that head of yours? Come back to me.“

Dean reaches up and kisses Cas to reassure him, but looks down. “We’re good. We’re good. I’ve just haven’t been with a lot of men.” 

Cas grabs his chin and looks at Dean. 

“Dean, we have all the time in the world. We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with slow, remember?”

He kisses Dean then. It’s a long, slow, passionate. Dean doesn’t usually kiss like this. Kissing for reassurance, to express caring, followed by gentle touches and lights the fire in Dean’s belly. Cas takes a step back. 

“Probably best we stop. Goodnight, Dean. My door will be open.” 

Dean watches Cas walk away. It’s just a few steps to the bedroom, but the candlelight shows off the strong lines of his back. Dean blows out the candles in the living room, keeping one lit while he grabs two flashlights from the kitchen drawer. Standing by Cas’s door, he knocks three times. Cas is settled under the blankets, Dean can see the sleep pants he was wearing a few moments ago draped over the back of the desk chair. 

“I brought you a flashlight.” He’ll drop off the flashlight and go to his room. Really. But he still can’t quite bring himself to take that last step into the room. 

“Thank you.” Cas gets out bed, he’s naked. “Did you want to come in?” 

Dean loses the power of speech for a moment. From those strong legs, to the muscular chest, and every single thing in between. He’s usually self-assured and cocky. He’s got a line for this. 

“I know what I said but I also promised myself, I’d never let you walk away again.” Cas takes a few steps closer to Dean and holds out his hand and leads Dean towards the bed. Once there, Cas kisses Dean gently before he sits on the end of the mattress, Dean standing between his legs. 

“I would like to undress you. Touch you, and take you into my mouth. Is that ok?”

Leave it to Cas to make asking for consent sound oh, so sexy. Dean just nods. But he’s feeling nervous and shy, so he rests his head on Cas’s shoulder. 

“We don’t have to do any of that though, if it makes you uncomfortable. We can just hold each other under the covers.” 

Dean looks up at Cas and kisses him hard. Placing his hand behind Cas’s neck and pulling him close, controlling their motion. He lets go when he feels Cas’s fingers poking into the waist of his pants. He snaps the band of his boxer-briefs.

“Dean, why are you wearing underwear?”

“What if there’s a fire?” 

“Then firemen. This discussion is not over for another time.” With that, Cas pulls down Dean’s pants and boxer briefs. “Off!” 

Dean laughs and he pulls down his clothing the rest of the way and kicks them to the side. He looks up at Cas who is casually stroking himself while checking Dean out. 

“God, look at you.” Cas scootches down the bed and beckons Dean in. “Come here.” 

Dean doesn’t need to be told twice, he climbs into bed and kisses Cas once again. There is so much skin to touch and Dean takes his time. 

“Can I…” he’s not sure how far he wants to go. 

“Yes. I’m yours.” 

Dean nuzzles at Cas’s neck, nibbling on collarbone, loving the way Cas ruts up against him. He kisses down to his nipple, licking, sucking. Evey moan and gasp reminds him of all the time he’s wasted. This could have been his all along. He sucks a bruise onto Cas’s collarbone. He really should have asked first. He pauses a moment, when strong hands pulls him back up. 

“Let me kiss you.” 

And Dean happily obliges, humming into the kiss, when Cas decides to flip him over. “I think I was the one making promises earlier. Let me take care of you.” 

It’s been such a long long time since Dean has heard anyone say that, and with Cas, he feels that maybe he can let his guard down enough to allow it. “Please,” he hears himself say in a voice barely above a moan. 

Cas smiles, Dean wants to tell him that being able to look at him and know it’s ok might be the best part of the evening. Cas kisses him again, gently, then leaving a trail of kisses, nips and bites along his jaw, up his neck to his ears. He can’t find the words. He wraps his arms around Cas pulling him closer. He feels a bead of precome on his thigh that isn’t his own. Guess he doesn’t need to worry that Cas isn’t into this, somehow that’s a relief. 

“You ok?” Cas asks nuzzling down Dean’s neck to his chest. He licks the nipple right under the protection tattoo.

“Yes, so fucking ok…” 

Cas chuckles and switches sides, then kisses a trail down Dean’s belly. Dean panics for a moment, pushing Cas away. Cas stops immediately, “Dean?”

“I’m not like you, all chiselled and muscles. Just a bit pudgy.” 

“You’re beautiful, Dean. It’s not about your body. Let me show you…” 

“Ok… ok…”

If the lights were on, Cas would see Dean blushing from head to toe. Slowly Cas licks and nips from Dean’s hip. Cas’s hands move between Dean’s legs. Dean knows what Cas is going to do, still the air rushes out of his lungs, and he arches off the bed when Cas finally takes him into his mouth. Cas gives head like a man who understands what it’s like.

“Not gonna last long.” Cas swallows. Dean doesn’t mean to, but he thrusts up into Cas’s throat. “Fuck, I’m sorry.” 

Cas just smiles around his dick, allows his hand to follow. “Don’t be.” With that, he swallows Dean down one last time before Dean comes down Cas’s throat.

Cas looks victorious, as he crawls up Dean’s body. Kissing him deep and filthy -- Dean can taste himself on Cas’s tongue. He feels Cas stroking himself between them. 

“Wait, let me.” Dean reaches down. Three strokes and Cas comes too. Cas hands Dean a tissue to clean up. 

They both just lie there for a moment, staring. Like they always have, but it’s different. 

“Stay with me tonight, Dean.” 

They get under the covers and Dean falls asleep, without worrying about the fact that he’s the little spoon. 


	11. Chapter 11

Cas wakes up to the smell of coffee, and Dean looking at him smiling. 

“Morning, Sunshine.” 

No doubt it’s a beautiful thing, but Cas and mornings are not friends. Then Dean leans down and kisses him. Maybe this isn’t so bad. 

“Hi. Did you get up and make me coffee?”

“The powers back. So I sure did. Then you looked cute when I tried to sneak out. You were still asleep but frowning after I left. So I thought I’d come back.” 

“This bed is better with you in it. You ok after last night?”

“Very ok. Probably for the first time in a while.” 

Cas can’t help but smile. Dean kisses him again. Cas grabs Dean, flips him and presses him to the bed. 

“You know what I want?” Cas whispers into Dean ear. 

“Me, I hope.” 

“I was thinking an omelet but now that you mention it.”

*****

Eventually they clean up and get out of bed. Dean makes Cas pancakes. Cas somehow manages to get syrup all over Dean. Best breakfast ever. Then Dean announces that he needs Cas to stay off the porch so he can get the space ready for their date. Cas retires to his bedroom to get ready. But he hasn’t really ever dated. He lays out five or six items on the bed and he can’t decide. 

**Cas:** I have news. Dean and I talked. We are giving it a go. It’s been like 10 hours. But so far so good. 

**Balt:** Tell me you had sex with him. 

**Cas:** I don’t kiss and tell.

**Balt:** Maybe you took photos. Then it’s not telling it’s showing. 

**Cas**: No photos either. Maybe later. 

**Carter: **You’re basically trapped in a cabin in the woods. There’s nothing to do but fuck.

**Ram:** Now, now, maybe they’re taking it slow and spending a lot of time talking. 

**Carter:** You saw the guy, you’ve seen Cas. If orgasms weren’t exchanged I am flying to Kansas to make sure I understand where the hell they went wrong.

**Ram:** Book two tickets. You’ll need help. For science, of course.The guy can’t be that good looking. 

**Cas:** He is. 

**Cas**: I do need help. Dean decided I needed to be courted, so we are having a date and he’s making me dinner. I don’t know what to wear.

Ramzey starts a poll: “What Cas should wear on his date”. The options are nothing and nothing. It’s a tie, Balt adds the “a smile” option. 

**Balt: **He should wine and dine you. You deserve all the amazing things. And if he doesn’t measure up you know physically or otherwise, I will make sure I have a cruel and unusual way to make him pay.

**Ram: **Measure up… LMAO

**Carter**: That sounds like fun, Balt. Is there bondage? I like bondage. My safeword is “more”.

**Cas: **Guys, he measures up just fine. So what do I wear. 

After Cas vetoes all the slutty the suggestions, they do finally agree that what he calls his gay pub crawl outfit is the way to go. Light-wash jeans, they are a bit tight and his favourite white tunic. The tunic is light enough to show off his chest, the jeans his thigh and ass. It used to work magic on Carter, who inevitably would make Cas late. The boys say the outfit is completely and totally mind-blowingly hot without looking like Cas tried too hard. They say barefoot is better — 

**Ramzey: **Damn, Cas as the smokin’ hot commune leader who’ll invite you to the orgy if you play your cards right. Sign. Me. Up.

**Carter:** Good fall back option if Toto and Kansas don’t pan out. 

****

Cas takes one last look in the mirror. He’s taken his time in the shower, tidied the scruff on his chin a bit. He grabs his bracelets from the nightstand. He’s not sure why he’s nervous. Last night was amazing, and well, Dean has been sweet and attentive all day. Sex Cas has no issue with, but dating and relationships are kind of new territory.

He takes a deep breath and opens the door, here goes nothing. Walking into the living room, he sees Dean wearing a pair of light-wash jeans and a navy blue shirt over a plain white t-shirt. He smiles when Cas walks in the room, almost as if he’s nervous too. Cas walks up to him kisses him on the lips.

“Hi.”

“You look great, Cas. Not that you don’t always. That hippy look works…”

“I thought you weren’t into hippy crap.”

“Hmmmm… might have to make an exception.” 

Dean’s turn to kiss him. 

“Looking like you cleaned up well yourself.”

And they kiss again, it’s quickly getting heated. 

“Not that I’m not planning a lot of more of this later, but dinner first.” 

Dean leads Cas to the porch. Over the course of the day, Dean has installed fairy lights, and there is a small table set for two with the candles from last night. 

“I’d normally get flowers or something, but we’re still a bit trapped,” Dean says a shyly.

“Dean, this is lovely.” And Cas kisses his cheek. That makes Dean blush. Cas vows to make Dean blush like that often. 

“Have a seat.” Dean pulls out one of the chairs and asks Cas to sit. “I’ll be right back.” 

Dean’s adorable when he’s this excited and nervous. Cas’s expectations for the meal are low. As he recalls, Dean had two standard meals he could prepare: burgers and lasagna. But it doesn’t smell like either, in fact, it smells like Thai coconut curry which is still one of Cas’s favourite meals. Cas pours out sparkling water for them both. Dean comes out with rice and salad, followed by the curry.

“Don’t laugh, I kind of missed you so much that I learned to make this last year. Then spent some time perfecting it. Turns out it’s delicious and easy. Tell me you still love it. And salad because we need our veggies.” 

“This is amazing, Dean. I’m touched.” 

“I missed a lot of things about us, Cas. You making me try new things was one of them.” 

“I have a very long list of things, we’ll have to try, not all of them in bed.” 

Deans laughs. 

And the conversation goes on easily like that as they make up for lost time. They fall back into their old patterns. Cas is reminded again how much he likes Dean. It’s like old times,except for Cas’s foot resting against Dean’s calf. Cas knows it won’t always be this easy. It’s new they’re both still healing from the past two years. But for now, it feels so good and so right. 

“Oh, I have dessert.” 

“I thought you were dessert,” Cas says. 

“Well, me and pie. Were both delicious.” 

“What kind?”

“ Apple, my options stuck out here were limited.” 

“I would never complain about your homemade pie.”

There is a debate about whether or not to have dessert in bed. In the end, they decide that adding pie filling to the mess their sheets is probably not the best idea. They settle onto the couch instead. Cas doesn’t love pie, but maybe it’s that Dean made but it’s delicious. But he can do better. He crawls onto Dean’s lap, pulling off his shirt and t-shirt. 

“Better.” 

Before eating pie the way it was meant to be eaten — directly off Dean’s chest.

“Best first date ever.” Dean declares as Cas leads him into the shower to clean up. 

*******

Cas wakes up to the sounds of birds, and an empty spot beside him in bed. There is nowhere for Dean to go, still he panics momentarily. It’s still too new. 

“‘Morning, sunshine…” Dean’s voice rumbles from the foot of the bed. “Sorry, nature called.” 

“Speaking of nature, is she going to let us out of here?”

“Hmmmm… “ Dean climbs into the bed next, pressing his body against Cas’s. “I’m hoping for a few more days now. There’s this guy in my bed, and I’d feel like I have some nights to make up for before I free him.”

Cas presses back into Dean. It hasn’t been that long since he’s shared a bed with someone. But, this feels different. Right, somehow. 

“Is he hot?” Cas mumbles. 

Dean laughs. Cas can feel Dean getting hard behind him. 

“Very. Dark hair. Blue eyes.”

“Huh, you going to tell him about me?” 

Dean pretends to think about it. Then leans in close and whispers into Cas’s ear. “Roll onto your front. I want to look at you, touch you.” Cas does not say no.

Cas chuckles. “Checking out my ass, are you?”

“It’s a nice one.” 

With that Dean gets out of bed and uncovers Cas. 

“Dean, I was nice and warm!” 

“Shhhh…”

“Will you make me pancakes?” 

“I only make pancakes for my boyfriend.” 

“Dean, will you be my boyfriend?” 

“Are you just asking that because you want pancakes?”

Cas turns and get serious for a sec. “Yes but I also want to be your boyfriend.” 

Dean kisses him. “Yes. So much yes, but I want to be your only boyfriend.” 

“I'd like that... but only if you make me pancakes.”

"Asshole." 

He feels Dean slowly run his hand up his right calf. Rough worker’s hands, followed by the soft scruff of Dean’s beard as he kisses, licks, and nips his way up Cas’s outer thigh. It’s slow, reverent. He uses both hands to massage the thighs. 

“I’ll make you waffles.” Nuzzles. “Bacon.” Lick “Coffee too.” Bite. “If you let me have you this morning.” 

Then he starts on the left leg. KIssing, massaging, nipping. He taps Cas’s legs farther apart and runs his hands up the inner thighs. Cas bucks up a bit, offering Dean his ass. It’s beautiful, slow torture.

“Mmmmm…. not yet.” 

Dean then slowly works up Cas’s spine, running his hands over Cas’s ribs. It tickles.Cas tries to pull away, but Dean pulls Cas’s arm gently away from his body. Then kisses up his ribs. Fucker is good at this. 

Dean lies over him, kissing up his neck. It’s divine. Cas is pretty sure he could come from this alone. He moans, grinding into the sheets. It’s only then that he feels Dean’s erection nestle between his butt cheeks. He’s not sure who sighs or who moans first. Dean moves away first. 

“I need to kiss you,” he says by way of explanation. 

Cas looks at Dean, their eyes meet. They get lost there for a moment, like they always have. 

“Good morning, sunshine.”

“Hello, Dean.” 

Dean, between Cas’s legs, drapes himself over him. And their lips meet, morning breath forgotten, gentle languid kisses become more urgent. 

Dean pulls a condom from the box on the nightstand, and the lube. Then Dean looks down a bit embarrassed. 

“Dean, I’ll bottom if that’s what you’re asking.”

“No… I …”

At that Dean opens the condom, he looks at Cas. 

“Can I?’

Cas nods. Dean slides the condom onto Cas’s dick, covers it with lube. Dean lines himself up and starts to lower himself onto Cas. 

“Dean, that’s going to hurt. You can’t just… umph.”

“It’s not porn, I know. I might have prepped in the bathroom.”

Cas is pretty sure he’s dead and this is the afterlife. Dean lowers himself down slowly, Cas gently massaging his legs. It’s so warm inside Dean and tight. Slowly Dean starts to move. Up and down, deep grinds. And Cas is slowly losing his mind. Dean reaches down and starts to stroke himself. 

“Cas, I’m so close.” 

Soon his rhythm becomes erratic as he paints Cas’s chest -- and Cas comes a few quick thrusts later. 

“Come here,” Cas says as pulls Dean into a searing kiss. He rolls Dean on his back. “You ok?” 

Dean just smiles. “God, I think your dick is my new favourite thing.”

Cas laughs. “I take it that’s a yes. We really need to clean up.” Cas says, rolling off Dean. “Stay.”

Cas takes his time. Prays Dean isn’t freaking out. He cleans himself off and gets rids of the condom. 

He comes back to find Dean half asleep. 

“Hey let me… “ Cas wipes off Dean’s chest, and the excess lube from his ass. Then he crawls in behind Dean, wraps himself around him. Dean makes like he’s going to protest, but snuggles in instead. Cas covers them both and hopes that bridge doesn’t open too soon. 

*** 

The bridge re-opened yesterday, it’s a makeshift thing until the repairs can be completed. But that’ll start next week. It has come to pass that since Lisa kicked him out, Dean’s between apartments. Things are good, but Cas isn’t sure he’s ready for Dean to move in with him yet. He’s planning on staying at the cottage until he can find a place. (Or until one of them concedes that they hate sleeping alone and two places is too much. But for now they are being cautious.) 

“Did you tell Sam?” Cas asks. “He wanted to have a welcome back party, bring the gang back up here. You ok with that?”

Dean shakes his head no. “Kind of enjoying our bubble. But I guess I can’t stay up here forever.” 

“What did you want to tell them?”

“You know, the truth. You came back, remembered I was totally hot and you finally tapped this.”

“Oh, is that what you think happened?”

Cas leaps onto Dean’s lap, tickling him. Soon, Cas has Dean pinned and making out ensues. That may be why they don’t hear the door open. 

“I guess that answers that question,” Sam says, looking completely flummoxed by this turn of events. “We were just coming up to see if you two were ok. With the radio silence, we figured the safe money was on double murder.” 

“Hey baby brother, Gabe, good to see you.” Dean hasn’t pushed Cas off him. 

“You two kissed and made up, I see. You gotta give me a sec here.” Gabe pulls out his phone and snaps a photo. “Gotta send that to everyone. Good thing the pants hadn’t come off yet.” 

“Speak for yourself, Gabe. I like him with his pants off.” Dean says. Cas stands up, and offers Dean a hand to pull him up to standing. Dean’s right there and it’ll gross Gabe out, so Cas kisses Dean. 

“You two are gorgeous. But I need to say it. Dean, you hurt him again, I will find a very creative way to kill you.” 

“I’ll help.” Sam chimes in. 

Dean kisses Cas’s cheek. 

“Awww,” Gabe coos. “Look at these two love birds. Shame their won’t be gorgeous children to come from this union.”

Dean looks at Cas and winks. “Well, doesn’t mean we can’t keep trying.”


End file.
